quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

that is latin for "who will guard the guards?"

That line was in this Dan Brown book that I read per Jake's suggestion and I liked it a lot. The line, not the book. Though the book was fine. Typical Dan Brown. You read one or two of his books and you can pretty much predict how the book is going to end. More or less, I mean. I didn't know this or that was going to happen but I was like BOOM! That guy, you think he's the bad guy, but really its this one. And I was right. Surprise, surprise.

Anyways, I am just sitting on my bed with my new laptop that I bought with MY money (since you know, everything has just been handed to me all my life). I once again have tons of stuff to do with no real desire to do it. This seems to be a common theme on here. I'm kinda falling back into my dark place again, which is weird because its still super hot outside. Maybe its just a cyclic high and low and just a normal function of life. But my lows are really low. They are bad lows. Worse than I think most people realize. Not like I have the worst life in the world and no one understands me and oh woe is me. But more like people think I'm just in a bad mood or angry or something but it's more complicated than that. I really do try to be in a good mood and bubbly and what not but I sometimes think that I push to the side upset feelings and let them build up until I can't ignore them anymore and I am overrun with negative feelings. That or I'm a crazy person. All is possible in this crazy mixed up world my friends.

So updates! I went to North Carolina and brought Tiffany with me for my annual family vacation down at Sunset Beach. Every year I'm harassed about whether or not I'm going to go and I never do because I don't have money or time or this reason or that. But this year I had both and I assumed since I AM still family that the invitation still layed open. I apparently was mistaken. I should not have gone down at all. That whole trip really shook me up and made me really sad. It just made me feel really isolated and separate. Like I was not good enough. Which listen family, I do a good enough job on my own feeling inadequate, please don't add to it. You will make me a crazy crazy person. We ended up making friends and having fun so all in all, it worked out in the end.

But I really do feel in weird mood. I think Ryan is talking to someone else. I'm not okay with that. I mean I have no right to say anything because Lord knows I've been doing my talking (or lack there of, eh eh!) but I guess the difference is I don't mean anything of it. I'm not going to date any of these guys seriously. I don't care to be alone, what I don't want is to always feel empty. That was a feeling that I thought would go away or at least dull with time, but it hasn't and now I fear it never will. I'm probably just being overdramatic. I am. That's what I do.

What I need is something really good to just work out for me and restore my faith in myself and humanity. Isn't there a quick fix for something like that? No? Well then, I'm fucked. Just kidding. Maybe I need just a game plan, something to work towards. Oh, wait I do!

Colleen's Plans for The Future (uture, uture, uture....)

1.) NOT go back to school. That is, til I can pay for it without any of my dad's help cosigning loans, nothing. I'm tired of having this held over my head like I owe him something. And I'm some ungrateful bitch because I don't shower him with praises, compliments, and bash my mom. Excuse me, do you even know the last guy I dated? You didn't even call on my birthday and last time you did, you yelled at me til I cried. Like any of this really matters, Lord knows you only have one child anyways. One child worth anything to you at least.... this was not the point. Rambling over!

2.) Go to London in July 2011 for HP DH final premiere (YAY! Two of my favorite things, Europe and Harry Potter!!)

3.) Move out. I love my mom and its fine living with her, I just miss living out on my own and having people over.

4.) Get a second job. These are all costly things I want to do, I need some more moneyzz.



Well I got some good things going for me and good things on the horizon. Hopefully, with some hard work and good fortune, things will actually go my way. Here's to hoping!

Stay fresh.