sleep is for fools.

So I have slept probably 10 hours altogether in the past week. Its beginning to become inconvenient. And I can't eat really, which I thought was just the medicine I was taking was an appetite suppressor but apparently it's not just that. I have had a very hard and defining past two weeks. And here is neither the place nor the forum to discuss the life altering matters that have occurred in my life. However I can share this little ditty I read:

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Interesting...


Other random updates:
I got a promotion, I am now a supervisor. hip hip!
Also, I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras to visit Veronica.
Of course, habitually single Colleen is still habitually single.

Stay fresh.

my heart hurts

today, or rather this year, has been awful in every sense of the word. I don't mean since January 1st. I mean the past 12 months in general. Today is the day that the man that I loved more than anyone in the entire world decided he didn't want a part of my life anymore. And one year I still love him the same. I do whatever and anything I can to "dull" the pain. I try to fill the void but that's exactly what it is. It's filling the void. For the moment, for the night. It never lasts. Nothing ever does. I do not date and that's how I knew I loved Ryan. That's how I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, because I never want people in my life like that. I grew up keeping my distance and waiting for them to leave me, because that's all I know. Men leave.

And to this day, it's still true. Men leave. They walk out and leave. It doesn't matter what you do, the men you care about most in your life will always leave you. Maybe it's better I faced it now rather than later. Because eventually the pain will dull right? Eventually I will not feel empty and sad. And it's better after a couple months rather than years of my life. I will always be on my own. My friends, however dear to me they are, are only here when it's convenient. When their boyfriends are unavailable. And I'm here. Good ol' reliable Colleen. Single. Bitter. Alone. She'll go out with me on the ONE NIGHT I (Colleen) want to get hammered, make a terrible decision with a boy, and forget how one year ago my world was devastated. I'm a terrible friend.

I am a terrible friend. I was completely selfish tonight and what did I accomplish? Nothing. I dropped off the guy I was out with at another girl's house and the other guy I was talking to that I just found out had a girlfriend just texted me. This has to be a joke right? What do I do to attract such assholes? Is it because I, myself, am an asshole? I really do honestly try to be a good person and yet I continue to fail time and time again. I bring it upon myself between being a bad girlfriend to Ryan and a bad friend to all my friends, I deserve every bit of misery I get. I think that I'm some victim but really I'm the perpetrator. I need to get a grip on reality and realize my role in everything. My role is to be a bitch and alone. And I'm already doing a terrific job of both of those things. I'm a natural.

perks of being an only child

One year has passed,
and this time I'm not sleeping on the couch.
Not that I'm whole and healed,
how could anyone be cured
with three feet of snow on the ground?

And how could anyone be cured
from fearing of waking up?
Of rolling over in an empty bed?
I, who has always relished in my solitary confinement,
now see the allure of a couch
on a snowy February night-
Alone waking up, knowing there's no room for someone else.

zestfully refreshed!

Ahhhhh!!! Peace at last! It's a Friday night and I have a near negative bank account balance. My car is almost on empty and I am quite content. I have a fabulous new hair cut compliments of Calie McGee. My hours are being cut at work, not too much though. I've stressed to them how important it is for me to be able to pay my bills. Thats where the trouble started last year.

Actually the trouble started last year when I arrived home from New Orleans. That's the time when Ryan and I started fighting and then little Andrew and I stopped being friends. Then my hours got cut and I couldn't pay my bills which made my dad angry and he started calling me and yelling at me every day. Then Ryan dumped me because I was a giant loser, to paraphrase him. And I still didn't have a car so I was single, friendless because even Holly wouldn't answer my calls, my dad hated me, and broke with no way to go anywhere. The months following mine and Ryan's break up was easily the lowest I've ever been. It was as if anything bad that could happen did happen and all at once.

But eventually, and painfully slowly I might add, things began to turn around. I got more hours at work so I could start paying my bills which got my dad off my back. I let myself be consumed with Lost so my heart didn't hurt so much thinking about Ryan. I even started dating a little, not seriously because I won't ever be in love like that again. I even finally bought a car.

Not to say everything is now perfect and dandy. Because surely it's not. While I do have a car, it runs about half the time and I have to bang it for it to even start. I still scrape by with my bills especially now since my hours got cut again. I cut myself off from the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a boyfriend again.

I guess the difference is it's 2011. It's a fresh new start. And I thought it would be poetic justice, I guess, to end the shitfest year of 2010 that started in New Orleans to also end there. So when everyone bailed for this reason and that and I thought I had no way down there to visit Veronica and I gave up hope for one second. But Veronica was so upset that I promised her I would find a way to her. So I pretty much all but solicited myself on FaceBook, Craigslist and Couchsurfing and finally found a ride down with a minister from Michigan off of Craigslist. Long story short: I had one of the best weekends of my life and a brand new start to 2011.

I came home feeling like I did when I came home from Europe. Proud and accomplished to actually have done it, relieved to finally be home, and happy that I went on any adventure at all. But I know all too well that this feeling doesn't last, it fades and with the snow and cold it may fade fast. So I'm trying to hold on to it. To embrace the newness of the New Year and remember how lucky I am and to refuse to back down when it feels like everything is going the other way. My trip to New Orleans taught me that I can do it and dang it, if I try hard enough I actually will!

Stay fresh, folks.