my heart hurts

today, or rather this year, has been awful in every sense of the word. I don't mean since January 1st. I mean the past 12 months in general. Today is the day that the man that I loved more than anyone in the entire world decided he didn't want a part of my life anymore. And one year I still love him the same. I do whatever and anything I can to "dull" the pain. I try to fill the void but that's exactly what it is. It's filling the void. For the moment, for the night. It never lasts. Nothing ever does. I do not date and that's how I knew I loved Ryan. That's how I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, because I never want people in my life like that. I grew up keeping my distance and waiting for them to leave me, because that's all I know. Men leave.

And to this day, it's still true. Men leave. They walk out and leave. It doesn't matter what you do, the men you care about most in your life will always leave you. Maybe it's better I faced it now rather than later. Because eventually the pain will dull right? Eventually I will not feel empty and sad. And it's better after a couple months rather than years of my life. I will always be on my own. My friends, however dear to me they are, are only here when it's convenient. When their boyfriends are unavailable. And I'm here. Good ol' reliable Colleen. Single. Bitter. Alone. She'll go out with me on the ONE NIGHT I (Colleen) want to get hammered, make a terrible decision with a boy, and forget how one year ago my world was devastated. I'm a terrible friend.

I am a terrible friend. I was completely selfish tonight and what did I accomplish? Nothing. I dropped off the guy I was out with at another girl's house and the other guy I was talking to that I just found out had a girlfriend just texted me. This has to be a joke right? What do I do to attract such assholes? Is it because I, myself, am an asshole? I really do honestly try to be a good person and yet I continue to fail time and time again. I bring it upon myself between being a bad girlfriend to Ryan and a bad friend to all my friends, I deserve every bit of misery I get. I think that I'm some victim but really I'm the perpetrator. I need to get a grip on reality and realize my role in everything. My role is to be a bitch and alone. And I'm already doing a terrific job of both of those things. I'm a natural.

perks of being an only child

One year has passed,
and this time I'm not sleeping on the couch.
Not that I'm whole and healed,
how could anyone be cured
with three feet of snow on the ground?

And how could anyone be cured
from fearing of waking up?
Of rolling over in an empty bed?
I, who has always relished in my solitary confinement,
now see the allure of a couch
on a snowy February night-
Alone waking up, knowing there's no room for someone else.