A day late, a dollar short...

Yesterday (technically 2 days ago) my ex boyfriend Ryan got married.

It's been years and years since we've been together- anyone who thinks I've been spending the past 5 years waiting around for him has damn lost their mind. And yet....

The problem is... 5 years ago, Ryan had said he'd love me. The only person who's ever said they loved me and it was completely untrue. He didn't mean it, I know he didn't mean it, and I would be an asshole if I expected him to mean it 5 years later. Except the fact of the matter is he never meant it. He never in his fucking life did he ever fucking love me. I'm sure he wanted to- that it was easier and simpler to say he did than to feel what he actually felt. But when it came down to it, the problem I feel today (and every day) is that I genuinely did love Ryan. I loved him with every part of my being and he never actually loved me back. I've spent 5 years coming to terms with this- that I loved a man who never loved me. That I gave him every part of me and he just took it away. That he never cared. That he never would.

So it's 5 years later and somehow I'm still shook to the core that Ryan married someone else. Somewhere down in my heart of hearts, I thought that he'd realize what he missed, how he missed me, that what he felt for me was real, and that we really were soulmates, just as I had thought. It's not that I've spent all this time hoping and wishing he'd see me for who I am. Who we were. Who we could've been. That's not it at all. I mourn these 5 years later that he still never actually saw me. That he said what he said because it was easier than actually feeling. That I exist in his past as a blip of a person when he represents almost every part of me- good and bad.

I've moved on since him, despite what it might seem, I promise. Though I will be real when I saw that it breaks my heart to see that I never even fucking registered on his mind ever. Ryan defined so many parts of my life and it makes me feel insignificant when I see how little I meant to him in the end. I just wish that at some point he could've apologized, told me how he fucked up, how I deserved better, how he's sorry how his fuck up defined my life for so long, how he's sorry he lied and all the ways he could make up for it. But he's never said any of that, he never will. I did deserve better, I shouldn't have let someone who never loved me define me for so long, I shouldn't have let someone tell me those things when they didn't mean it. I should've realized that I shouldn't feel bad for how you treated me, you were a shitty dude so you treated people shitty. It was kind of your thing.

But I suppose that's that. And I'll move on. But if Ryan, you are reading this.... you're a dick and you owe me much more than an apology. I felt, what felt like forever, like I was completely insane, like I was not justified in my feelings for how you treated me. There's nothing shittier than convincing someone they deserved their less than superb treatment. You were a crappy person and maybe you aren't now but you were then. You need to be aware of that and I deserve much more than an apology from you one day. I look forward to that vindication.