my heart hurts

today, or rather this year, has been awful in every sense of the word. I don't mean since January 1st. I mean the past 12 months in general. Today is the day that the man that I loved more than anyone in the entire world decided he didn't want a part of my life anymore. And one year I still love him the same. I do whatever and anything I can to "dull" the pain. I try to fill the void but that's exactly what it is. It's filling the void. For the moment, for the night. It never lasts. Nothing ever does. I do not date and that's how I knew I loved Ryan. That's how I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, because I never want people in my life like that. I grew up keeping my distance and waiting for them to leave me, because that's all I know. Men leave.

And to this day, it's still true. Men leave. They walk out and leave. It doesn't matter what you do, the men you care about most in your life will always leave you. Maybe it's better I faced it now rather than later. Because eventually the pain will dull right? Eventually I will not feel empty and sad. And it's better after a couple months rather than years of my life. I will always be on my own. My friends, however dear to me they are, are only here when it's convenient. When their boyfriends are unavailable. And I'm here. Good ol' reliable Colleen. Single. Bitter. Alone. She'll go out with me on the ONE NIGHT I (Colleen) want to get hammered, make a terrible decision with a boy, and forget how one year ago my world was devastated. I'm a terrible friend.

I am a terrible friend. I was completely selfish tonight and what did I accomplish? Nothing. I dropped off the guy I was out with at another girl's house and the other guy I was talking to that I just found out had a girlfriend just texted me. This has to be a joke right? What do I do to attract such assholes? Is it because I, myself, am an asshole? I really do honestly try to be a good person and yet I continue to fail time and time again. I bring it upon myself between being a bad girlfriend to Ryan and a bad friend to all my friends, I deserve every bit of misery I get. I think that I'm some victim but really I'm the perpetrator. I need to get a grip on reality and realize my role in everything. My role is to be a bitch and alone. And I'm already doing a terrific job of both of those things. I'm a natural.

perks of being an only child

One year has passed,
and this time I'm not sleeping on the couch.
Not that I'm whole and healed,
how could anyone be cured
with three feet of snow on the ground?

And how could anyone be cured
from fearing of waking up?
Of rolling over in an empty bed?
I, who has always relished in my solitary confinement,
now see the allure of a couch
on a snowy February night-
Alone waking up, knowing there's no room for someone else.

zestfully refreshed!

Ahhhhh!!! Peace at last! It's a Friday night and I have a near negative bank account balance. My car is almost on empty and I am quite content. I have a fabulous new hair cut compliments of Calie McGee. My hours are being cut at work, not too much though. I've stressed to them how important it is for me to be able to pay my bills. Thats where the trouble started last year.

Actually the trouble started last year when I arrived home from New Orleans. That's the time when Ryan and I started fighting and then little Andrew and I stopped being friends. Then my hours got cut and I couldn't pay my bills which made my dad angry and he started calling me and yelling at me every day. Then Ryan dumped me because I was a giant loser, to paraphrase him. And I still didn't have a car so I was single, friendless because even Holly wouldn't answer my calls, my dad hated me, and broke with no way to go anywhere. The months following mine and Ryan's break up was easily the lowest I've ever been. It was as if anything bad that could happen did happen and all at once.

But eventually, and painfully slowly I might add, things began to turn around. I got more hours at work so I could start paying my bills which got my dad off my back. I let myself be consumed with Lost so my heart didn't hurt so much thinking about Ryan. I even started dating a little, not seriously because I won't ever be in love like that again. I even finally bought a car.

Not to say everything is now perfect and dandy. Because surely it's not. While I do have a car, it runs about half the time and I have to bang it for it to even start. I still scrape by with my bills especially now since my hours got cut again. I cut myself off from the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a boyfriend again.

I guess the difference is it's 2011. It's a fresh new start. And I thought it would be poetic justice, I guess, to end the shitfest year of 2010 that started in New Orleans to also end there. So when everyone bailed for this reason and that and I thought I had no way down there to visit Veronica and I gave up hope for one second. But Veronica was so upset that I promised her I would find a way to her. So I pretty much all but solicited myself on FaceBook, Craigslist and Couchsurfing and finally found a ride down with a minister from Michigan off of Craigslist. Long story short: I had one of the best weekends of my life and a brand new start to 2011.

I came home feeling like I did when I came home from Europe. Proud and accomplished to actually have done it, relieved to finally be home, and happy that I went on any adventure at all. But I know all too well that this feeling doesn't last, it fades and with the snow and cold it may fade fast. So I'm trying to hold on to it. To embrace the newness of the New Year and remember how lucky I am and to refuse to back down when it feels like everything is going the other way. My trip to New Orleans taught me that I can do it and dang it, if I try hard enough I actually will!

Stay fresh, folks.

o children

I cannot stop listening to this song:


I'm completely obsessed with it and I'm not exactly even sure why. I've been in a bummed mood the past couple of weeks. Which isn't all that surprising since its the end of November and it's getting cold. I'm over this cold weather already. So. Over. It.

I am reading a really awesome book on President Lincoln's Assassination. It's super interesting and surprisingly easy to read.

I hope that I get in a better mood soon. I hope some good karma comes my way. But I guess in order to receive good karma I gotta send out some first. Maybe I'll work on that instead.

Here's to staying fresh.

"It doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get

... or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

I am semi-getting things back together. I have a car (FINALLY!!), I worked out the other day with Calie, I'm cleaning my room hardcore, and I'm budgetting my money like what what. Buuuuut, I don't have like any money so for the next couple of weeks I'm going to be a little tight but I'll get it together, I always do.

and I chopped off my hair, and I look extra sexy.



Stay fresh.

Grayer than where sea meets sky

Early in the morning while the tide was still low
and the sky was so gray, you couldn’t see the sunrise,
I sat on the rock wall and waited for you.

The fog rose with the tide as the sun stretched
in the sky (though she hid behind a blanket of clouds),
My feet swinging off the rock wall as I waited for you.

Ships docked to the bleakest sunset,
I watched the sailors walk to their homes
and on the rock wall I waited for you.

One sailor stopped, he told me…..

Words trip over tongues when they come out of mouths
and eyes look sad as the words pour out-
but I would know if I lost my heart out at sea,
how else would I hear you ask wait for me?

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

that is latin for "who will guard the guards?"

That line was in this Dan Brown book that I read per Jake's suggestion and I liked it a lot. The line, not the book. Though the book was fine. Typical Dan Brown. You read one or two of his books and you can pretty much predict how the book is going to end. More or less, I mean. I didn't know this or that was going to happen but I was like BOOM! That guy, you think he's the bad guy, but really its this one. And I was right. Surprise, surprise.

Anyways, I am just sitting on my bed with my new laptop that I bought with MY money (since you know, everything has just been handed to me all my life). I once again have tons of stuff to do with no real desire to do it. This seems to be a common theme on here. I'm kinda falling back into my dark place again, which is weird because its still super hot outside. Maybe its just a cyclic high and low and just a normal function of life. But my lows are really low. They are bad lows. Worse than I think most people realize. Not like I have the worst life in the world and no one understands me and oh woe is me. But more like people think I'm just in a bad mood or angry or something but it's more complicated than that. I really do try to be in a good mood and bubbly and what not but I sometimes think that I push to the side upset feelings and let them build up until I can't ignore them anymore and I am overrun with negative feelings. That or I'm a crazy person. All is possible in this crazy mixed up world my friends.

So updates! I went to North Carolina and brought Tiffany with me for my annual family vacation down at Sunset Beach. Every year I'm harassed about whether or not I'm going to go and I never do because I don't have money or time or this reason or that. But this year I had both and I assumed since I AM still family that the invitation still layed open. I apparently was mistaken. I should not have gone down at all. That whole trip really shook me up and made me really sad. It just made me feel really isolated and separate. Like I was not good enough. Which listen family, I do a good enough job on my own feeling inadequate, please don't add to it. You will make me a crazy crazy person. We ended up making friends and having fun so all in all, it worked out in the end.

But I really do feel in weird mood. I think Ryan is talking to someone else. I'm not okay with that. I mean I have no right to say anything because Lord knows I've been doing my talking (or lack there of, eh eh!) but I guess the difference is I don't mean anything of it. I'm not going to date any of these guys seriously. I don't care to be alone, what I don't want is to always feel empty. That was a feeling that I thought would go away or at least dull with time, but it hasn't and now I fear it never will. I'm probably just being overdramatic. I am. That's what I do.

What I need is something really good to just work out for me and restore my faith in myself and humanity. Isn't there a quick fix for something like that? No? Well then, I'm fucked. Just kidding. Maybe I need just a game plan, something to work towards. Oh, wait I do!

Colleen's Plans for The Future (uture, uture, uture....)

1.) NOT go back to school. That is, til I can pay for it without any of my dad's help cosigning loans, nothing. I'm tired of having this held over my head like I owe him something. And I'm some ungrateful bitch because I don't shower him with praises, compliments, and bash my mom. Excuse me, do you even know the last guy I dated? You didn't even call on my birthday and last time you did, you yelled at me til I cried. Like any of this really matters, Lord knows you only have one child anyways. One child worth anything to you at least.... this was not the point. Rambling over!

2.) Go to London in July 2011 for HP DH final premiere (YAY! Two of my favorite things, Europe and Harry Potter!!)

3.) Move out. I love my mom and its fine living with her, I just miss living out on my own and having people over.

4.) Get a second job. These are all costly things I want to do, I need some more moneyzz.



Well I got some good things going for me and good things on the horizon. Hopefully, with some hard work and good fortune, things will actually go my way. Here's to hoping!

Stay fresh.