Another beer for me, please.

Well, my absolute worst fear has been realized. How am I dealing? Okay. I'm fine. Not really, at all, I feel more like devastated but it's been made terribly clear to me that there is nothing I can do to change anything. I cannot make him.... just nothing can be done. If you were to say forever, I would expect that you meant it. I meant it. Forehead kisses are forever, I thought I made that crystal clear but I guess it just didn't matter what I said. I'm just left here reminded by all those empty promises, tainted with the ones I planned the rest of my life on keeping, and just left alone. I thought I found the person who would never leave me alone, my soulmate, but I was foolishly mistaken. How duped was I? How could I ever think.... I was wrong. I loved so fully, I never imagined being so in love with someone and giving myself to someone so completely, and now I am empty. With time things will get better, or so I've heard. But I'm in love forever. I guess I'm just going to learn to love someone from afar who doesn't love me back. And right now, I feel awful. I don't want to get up or even just be alive. I wish I never met him and I wish I never felt this way ever ever ever. Time heals the heart.... but until then, I'm going to have another beer and maybe even another, until I forget my name and then I won't feel so bad. At least for right now. Tomorrow, yeah maybe tomorrow, will be better. Probably not but I can always hope.

i'm feeling a little crazy today

My mom's laptop's battery is about to die so this may be short. So I'm sitting here at my house, alone. My mom's back to working nights, Morgan and Tiffany were supposed to come over but they both bailed (at least Morgan told me she wasn't going to come over whereas Tiffany just never answered me) and Ryan won't call me back or answer my texts. I feel like dying with this sick, knotted feeling in my stomache. I'm just so tired of my life being in shambles. I know there's alot I can fix and that I haven't and that is on me. But the other stuff, the stuff with the people I care about not being here or not caring or at least not acting like they care, it makes me sick. Everyone should know by now that I can be an emotional wreck. I am an emotional wreck. Whatever I do is not enough and I am not good enough for me, for my family, for any one that I care about. I know this. I'm just tired of being reminded that every day. I want someone to tell me to have a good day in the morning or care that I was stuck behind some slow old man on the way to work so I was 3 minutes late. I want someone to care without me asking them to care. I want flowers on a random Tuesday, even if they were picked out of the ground. I want courtesy calls saying you're not coming over and just plain old fashioned honesty. I want to be needed and missed. I want to know that when I'm not there, you still need me. I want someone to do something completely for me for once. I want... too many things, and I don't deserve any of them. I get what I deserve. I don't deserve courtesy, respect, or honesty. I don't definately don't deserve special treatment or to be loved at all. I deserve nothing at all. I'm sorry this is so angsty to whoever is reading this, but after these past couple weeks I am just emotionally exhausted. No matter what happens I am the bad guy. I don't know how exactly but I know that somehow I am always feeling guilty and gravelling for attention. I am pathetic and lonely and pathetic. Did I mention pathetic? This whole entry is pathetic. I'm sorry for wasting your time.