i may or may not be a little drunk...

So I'm drunk.... who cares?? It only makes it super hard on me to type this accurately so what does it matter to you? Eh eh eh??? (I am backspacing alot.... alot alot alot!).

I went to Murphys tonight. It went well. I was super nervous as to what was to happen but Ryan wasn't there so it was okay... I'm not sure what to think though, quite honestly (and I am very honest, almost to a fault). I think I saw him at the end of the night though I'm not sure, I had a couple shots courtesy of the many men that fell in love with Sam, and I had been drinking for some time. I just hope I didn't make things awkward. That's not what I wanted at all. I want rainbows and sunshine and all that happiness crap for everyone, including Ryan. Especially him. He truly is a great guy, apparently just not the guy for me. And I am summoning all the good inside me to wish him true happiness, even if that means it's with someone else.

I'm trying to be a bigger person.

I want him to be happy, although I do kinda wish it was with me. But according to the wise sage Conan O'Brien, 'no one ever gets exactly what they expected'. And I am trying to live accordingly. It's way harder in practice rather than theory, much harder than you'd expect. But I'm trying- that;s gotta count for something right? Right??

I am overcoming, I am rising above. I would quote something from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books but my mom is sleeping and I don't want to wrestle through her books, but the quote is something like... 'She was bad at love. She loved too hard.' (Okay, okay.... I did look it up!) But that's how I feel. I have all this love in me and no where to put it really. I thought I had someone, but I guess I thought wrong. Next time I'll learn not to fall so easily. Next time I'll keep it together. Next time I probably won't fall inlove at all. That was honestly it for me. Oh well, at least I had a taste of love. Some people never even get to know what it's like. I just wish that was enough for me, I wish I didn't need anymore. But I do....

I am overcoming, I am rising above. Tomorrow is a new day with new challenges and new horizons. Maybe one of those will be for me, maybe it will be a break for me. Maybe tomorrow is the start of the rest of my life. I reallly hope it is, I want to see what's in store.

Stay fresh.

fear and loathing...

That's the book I am currently reading. Now that I am dumped I am reading more, or rather I'm reading as much as I used to before a boy consumed my life. Well, it's not so much as he consumed it as I didn't have as much free time as I do now. I have tons of it. So I've been reading. And watching alot of TV shows on DVD, like Scrubs and Seinfeld. I'm just doing really anything to keep myself busy so I don't think about the last few weeks. I'm doing better, I still have sad days and sad parts of days and apparently when I get drunk I'm super crazy, crying and laughing and then crying again. And according to some of my friends, I drink too much.

But what is too much? I mean, it's all relative. Too much to some of my friends is not enough for me. I've just been in a funk and I'm trying to get out of it. I've decided not to be cynical and to try to maintain an upbeat outlook, which is really hard for me since, oh I don't know, the man that I loved and told me that he loved me too and that we were soulmates and that he wanted to marry me changed his mind in four short days then dumped me over the phone. Okay clearly I'm not over it and I am a little bitter. Hey, I'm human! I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to find the silver fucking lining. I tell myself if we are really soulmates we'll end up together anyways and if we're not that means that there is someone out there even better for me, who will fight for me. I don't know if that helps though. It took me 22 years to find someone who I could finally love, I just worry what if it takes another 22 years for me to find someone else. I mean that's half of my life (assuming I live to like 80 or 90). And what if the next guy I love who I meet when I'm like 45, what if we only date for 6 months? Seriously?? And by then I won't be able to have children, so I'm going to be 45 years old whose longest relationship was 6 months and I've never been married and I'm barren.

Okay, okay... so I'm spinning out of control and who knows what the future may hold? I don't need to freak out that I'm going to be an old maid, it's all so far away. I need to live in the here and the now. Embrace my youth, live it up, go crazy. But I'm probably just going to stick my nose in my books and leave it there for awhile. I'd just rather forget my life and live in someone else's for a bit.