Yesterday (technically 2 days ago) my ex boyfriend Ryan got married.
It's been years and years since we've been together- anyone who thinks I've been spending the past 5 years waiting around for him has damn lost their mind. And yet....
The problem is... 5 years ago, Ryan had said he'd love me. The only person who's ever said they loved me and it was completely untrue. He didn't mean it, I know he didn't mean it, and I would be an asshole if I expected him to mean it 5 years later. Except the fact of the matter is he never meant it. He never in his fucking life did he ever fucking love me. I'm sure he wanted to- that it was easier and simpler to say he did than to feel what he actually felt. But when it came down to it, the problem I feel today (and every day) is that I genuinely did love Ryan. I loved him with every part of my being and he never actually loved me back. I've spent 5 years coming to terms with this- that I loved a man who never loved me. That I gave him every part of me and he just took it away. That he never cared. That he never would.
So it's 5 years later and somehow I'm still shook to the core that Ryan married someone else. Somewhere down in my heart of hearts, I thought that he'd realize what he missed, how he missed me, that what he felt for me was real, and that we really were soulmates, just as I had thought. It's not that I've spent all this time hoping and wishing he'd see me for who I am. Who we were. Who we could've been. That's not it at all. I mourn these 5 years later that he still never actually saw me. That he said what he said because it was easier than actually feeling. That I exist in his past as a blip of a person when he represents almost every part of me- good and bad.
I've moved on since him, despite what it might seem, I promise. Though I will be real when I saw that it breaks my heart to see that I never even fucking registered on his mind ever. Ryan defined so many parts of my life and it makes me feel insignificant when I see how little I meant to him in the end. I just wish that at some point he could've apologized, told me how he fucked up, how I deserved better, how he's sorry how his fuck up defined my life for so long, how he's sorry he lied and all the ways he could make up for it. But he's never said any of that, he never will. I did deserve better, I shouldn't have let someone who never loved me define me for so long, I shouldn't have let someone tell me those things when they didn't mean it. I should've realized that I shouldn't feel bad for how you treated me, you were a shitty dude so you treated people shitty. It was kind of your thing.
But I suppose that's that. And I'll move on. But if Ryan, you are reading this.... you're a dick and you owe me much more than an apology. I felt, what felt like forever, like I was completely insane, like I was not justified in my feelings for how you treated me. There's nothing shittier than convincing someone they deserved their less than superb treatment. You were a crappy person and maybe you aren't now but you were then. You need to be aware of that and I deserve much more than an apology from you one day. I look forward to that vindication.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Thursday, October 16, 2014
When You Are Old
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved you beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
-William Butler Yeats
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved you beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
-William Butler Yeats
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Review: Paper Clips documentary
So this morning I just watched the Paper Clips documentary on Netflix. If you are unfamiliar with this movie, it's about a 2 teachers and a principal from Appalachia Tennessee looking to widen their narrow, white Protestant view of the world and expand it for the children they teach.
I think it's great that this school, in this area, was making a genuine effort to diversify and educate their children about the dangers of intolerance and hatred. There are legitimate Holocaust deniers out there in the world, a disturbing thought, and it's very important for us to educate the next generation about the horrors that these ELEVEN million people went through and did not survive.
I definitely see the draw to make the Holocaust the example with which you teach about intolerance. It's steeped in history and very well documented, thanks to the Germans. You also have this charismatic leader who actually tried to EXTERMINATE an entire race of people- systematically and with the support of his constituents. Hitler is clearly evil and the Holocaust is a distinct tale of good vs evil.
While I applaud this school for making a conscious effort to broaden their scope and limit their own prejudices, I think this movie highlighted where the work for this town should have really started. Intolerance didn't just occur 50 something years ago on a completely different continent and America isn't the champion of ending it. It happened here at that same time in our own camps, it sways in the trees in the summers in the South, and it waits for us in the line at airport security. Our own government makes its own laws with its own prejudices and we follow along.
The first issue I had with this project was the number. 6 million. 6. What about the other 5 million victims of Hitler's systematic extermination? Why don't they warrant a paper clip celebrating and remembering their lives? Now whoever watches this video will say that in the end, Whitwell did end up putting 11 million paper clips in their memorial, almost begrudgingly. For the gays and gypsies. And Catholics. While their tale doesn't seem quite as tragic as sewing a star on your shirt, it does have similar ending. Some 5 million endings. The people in Whitwell seem okay to talk about and celebrate the lives of the Jews that were lost but why not the others? Why not the homosexuals? Is that because they feel those deaths were justified? I honestly don't believe that. I bet though that talking about the treatment of homosexuals in that time would have these young children come to believe that homosexuals are also people who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. And that thought might carry over into their everyday life, say when it comes to voting for gay rights here in present day? Afterall, we are educating this children so that they can change the world. Lets make sure they change it into one that fits our current prejudices.
The second issue I had with this is why go so far away and so long ago for intolerance and hate when there's shining examples not too far from where you live. The answer to that is probably the simplest. It's easier to teach about the dangers of intolerance and hatred through the Holocaust because of the clear evillness of the whole ordeal. Hitler was evil and the Americans came in and liberated the people suffering in the camps. We are the heroes! Lets congratulate ourselves on being the world leader on leading the world in goodness and light! God bless the USA!
There may have been a hint of sarcasm in there, did you catch it? While here in the good ol U. S. of A, we didn't round up and murder 11 million people as part of genetic cleansing, but we did round up people who simply LOOKED to be of a certain race. (Fun fact: google how many people died in the Holocaust and then google how many people died in Japanese internment camps. You will get giant large numbers right at the top of the page for the Holocaust victims and there's not even a number mentioned on the Japanese internment camp wikipedia page) There's a clear gap in knowledge because we want to sweep our disgusting history under the rug. I'm guilty of this as well. I don't know how many camps there were here in the US, how many people were put in them, or even really read anything about them. But I've read several books on the Holocaust and have been to the Holocaust Museum in D.C. as well as a concentration camp outside of Berlin (which does have a fascinating history of being a Soviet Camp after WWII was over. More info can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sachsenhausen_concentration_camp).
What about an even more glaring part of history that they could have taught the children about oppression and intolerance: the Civil Rights movement in the 60's in the South, Jim Crow, the Civil War and all those fun little years in between. White America in recent years, I feel, has been moving towards this victimhood, the problems with being the oppressors and having to feel guilty all the time.
I think the problem with teaching the children about the part of history that these adults actually took part in is how personal it could be. That it might show these teachers and administrators in a not so positive light, that these people may not actually think that ALL people are created equal. That the color of your skin does reflect the content of your character. I think that some of the benefits of doing a project that focuses on an intense and awkward part of Southern history is the growth that could come from it. This is a tangible issue that these kids face every day, why not impact them on that level? Why not change the way they view blacks in the south? Could educating the kids on the much more recent and relevant issue of the Civil Right movement challenge the kids to take that idea and apply it to other more current things happening, like gay rights, immigration reform, and racial profiling?
I do think it's important to teach our children about the Holocaust and I do appreciate the impact it had on the people of Whitwell's lives- these people were clearly touched and moved by the devastation of 6 million Jews. I hope it really did effect their assistant principal like he said, that he's going to strive to be less racist so maybe his children won't be too. That's definitely a step in the right direction.
I think it's great that this school, in this area, was making a genuine effort to diversify and educate their children about the dangers of intolerance and hatred. There are legitimate Holocaust deniers out there in the world, a disturbing thought, and it's very important for us to educate the next generation about the horrors that these ELEVEN million people went through and did not survive.
I definitely see the draw to make the Holocaust the example with which you teach about intolerance. It's steeped in history and very well documented, thanks to the Germans. You also have this charismatic leader who actually tried to EXTERMINATE an entire race of people- systematically and with the support of his constituents. Hitler is clearly evil and the Holocaust is a distinct tale of good vs evil.
While I applaud this school for making a conscious effort to broaden their scope and limit their own prejudices, I think this movie highlighted where the work for this town should have really started. Intolerance didn't just occur 50 something years ago on a completely different continent and America isn't the champion of ending it. It happened here at that same time in our own camps, it sways in the trees in the summers in the South, and it waits for us in the line at airport security. Our own government makes its own laws with its own prejudices and we follow along.
The first issue I had with this project was the number. 6 million. 6. What about the other 5 million victims of Hitler's systematic extermination? Why don't they warrant a paper clip celebrating and remembering their lives? Now whoever watches this video will say that in the end, Whitwell did end up putting 11 million paper clips in their memorial, almost begrudgingly. For the gays and gypsies. And Catholics. While their tale doesn't seem quite as tragic as sewing a star on your shirt, it does have similar ending. Some 5 million endings. The people in Whitwell seem okay to talk about and celebrate the lives of the Jews that were lost but why not the others? Why not the homosexuals? Is that because they feel those deaths were justified? I honestly don't believe that. I bet though that talking about the treatment of homosexuals in that time would have these young children come to believe that homosexuals are also people who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. And that thought might carry over into their everyday life, say when it comes to voting for gay rights here in present day? Afterall, we are educating this children so that they can change the world. Lets make sure they change it into one that fits our current prejudices.
The second issue I had with this is why go so far away and so long ago for intolerance and hate when there's shining examples not too far from where you live. The answer to that is probably the simplest. It's easier to teach about the dangers of intolerance and hatred through the Holocaust because of the clear evillness of the whole ordeal. Hitler was evil and the Americans came in and liberated the people suffering in the camps. We are the heroes! Lets congratulate ourselves on being the world leader on leading the world in goodness and light! God bless the USA!
There may have been a hint of sarcasm in there, did you catch it? While here in the good ol U. S. of A, we didn't round up and murder 11 million people as part of genetic cleansing, but we did round up people who simply LOOKED to be of a certain race. (Fun fact: google how many people died in the Holocaust and then google how many people died in Japanese internment camps. You will get giant large numbers right at the top of the page for the Holocaust victims and there's not even a number mentioned on the Japanese internment camp wikipedia page) There's a clear gap in knowledge because we want to sweep our disgusting history under the rug. I'm guilty of this as well. I don't know how many camps there were here in the US, how many people were put in them, or even really read anything about them. But I've read several books on the Holocaust and have been to the Holocaust Museum in D.C. as well as a concentration camp outside of Berlin (which does have a fascinating history of being a Soviet Camp after WWII was over. More info can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sachsenhausen_concentration_camp).
What about an even more glaring part of history that they could have taught the children about oppression and intolerance: the Civil Rights movement in the 60's in the South, Jim Crow, the Civil War and all those fun little years in between. White America in recent years, I feel, has been moving towards this victimhood, the problems with being the oppressors and having to feel guilty all the time.
"Hey, that stuff happened in the past and we're like real sorry it happened and all but can we just forget about and move on? I mean it totally doesn't happen anymore, I mean black people get scholarships that I can't get. Imagine if we had a whites only scholarship- people would flip. It's reverse racism!!"(If I ever hear someone say that, I'm just going to straight punch them in their fucking face. Because they are so fucking dumb and deserve to be punched in their fucking face.)
I think the problem with teaching the children about the part of history that these adults actually took part in is how personal it could be. That it might show these teachers and administrators in a not so positive light, that these people may not actually think that ALL people are created equal. That the color of your skin does reflect the content of your character. I think that some of the benefits of doing a project that focuses on an intense and awkward part of Southern history is the growth that could come from it. This is a tangible issue that these kids face every day, why not impact them on that level? Why not change the way they view blacks in the south? Could educating the kids on the much more recent and relevant issue of the Civil Right movement challenge the kids to take that idea and apply it to other more current things happening, like gay rights, immigration reform, and racial profiling?
I do think it's important to teach our children about the Holocaust and I do appreciate the impact it had on the people of Whitwell's lives- these people were clearly touched and moved by the devastation of 6 million Jews. I hope it really did effect their assistant principal like he said, that he's going to strive to be less racist so maybe his children won't be too. That's definitely a step in the right direction.
Friday, April 19, 2013
all good things must end...
one of those things being my first ever healthy relationship with my tall, handsome man. It ended well and I will be okay. Right now I'm pretty bummed out and find myself irrationally upset by episodes of Boy Meets World. One scene specifically struck a chord with me. It's from season 4 episode 13 around 11 minutes and 20 seconds in.
My boyfriend and I broke up because after spending almost a year and a half together long distance, I wouldn't move to there and he wouldn't move here. I feel guilty about it, like if we were so in love why didn't we make the sacrifice? I don't think it's that simple. Moving to either of those places would've been a fundamentally changing experience for us, it would've been out of character and we both would have been miserable in our respective cities. That's not love- it's not that simple. I've talked to several people about this and asked them would you move? Almost everyone's answer is if you love that person, then that's all you need in the world. That's not right, and that's definitely not healthy. I could never move solely for a guy, that is just not who I am and if I had moved for my boyfriend then I wouldn't be the independent strong willed woman that he cared for.
People didn't see us together so they don't know how much we cared, we care. I still love him and just because I didn't move doesn't mean I loved him any less. I know we made the right decision, as hard as it may be and as sad as I am, it was the right decision. And I don't love him any less than I did the day we decided this.
Mr Feeny: You know every year I look forward to seeing her and every year we part company, knowing that we care for each other but not quite enough to give up the lives we’ve made and find comfortable.
Eric: She said yes! You popped the question and she said yes, she said yes and you’re stuck good.
Mr. Feeny: No, no, she said no. We always say no. Why do we always say no?
Eric: Because you don’t really love each other.
Mr. Feeny: Now how would you know that, Mr. Matthews?
Eric: Because if you truly loved each other you’d risk anything for that love- even the lives you’ve made and found comfortable.
Mr. Feeny: I just wonder if at this stage in my life my risk taking days are over. Or perhaps I never appreciated the value of taking a risk and that’s why I missed the chance at true love.
Eric: Yeah I felt that same way when I broke up with Debbie, you remember that?
Mr. Feeny: No.
Eric: Well I mean I’m still in there pluggin’ away because I believe true love can come at any time
My boyfriend and I broke up because after spending almost a year and a half together long distance, I wouldn't move to there and he wouldn't move here. I feel guilty about it, like if we were so in love why didn't we make the sacrifice? I don't think it's that simple. Moving to either of those places would've been a fundamentally changing experience for us, it would've been out of character and we both would have been miserable in our respective cities. That's not love- it's not that simple. I've talked to several people about this and asked them would you move? Almost everyone's answer is if you love that person, then that's all you need in the world. That's not right, and that's definitely not healthy. I could never move solely for a guy, that is just not who I am and if I had moved for my boyfriend then I wouldn't be the independent strong willed woman that he cared for.
People didn't see us together so they don't know how much we cared, we care. I still love him and just because I didn't move doesn't mean I loved him any less. I know we made the right decision, as hard as it may be and as sad as I am, it was the right decision. And I don't love him any less than I did the day we decided this.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
I'm a superstitious lady
so I'll probably jinx myself by talking about my boyfriend but hell, that's what I want to do.
I read through some of these old posts and first off, I'm an asshole. I know I tend to write on here when I'm feeling dark and it has to spill out somewhere so I give myself a pass on that. But sometimes I'm just an asshole. Plain and simple.
Anyways, reading through these old posts I wrote a lot about Ryan. Specifically about not feeling empty. I want to clarify, I was not being dramatic in any way, shape, or form about how I felt. It was this all-consuming emptiness that I tried desperately to fill. And sometimes I could appease it, albeit temporarily. Lost was consuming, drunken nights had their part, and mostly the men in my life were constantly revolving. It was like I was trying to figure something out.
I don't think I knew who I was. I think I knew who I wanted to be, I just couldn't figure out how to get there. I just kept sabotaging myself as if I didn't think I deserved to get what I wanted. Maybe Ryan saw that in me even back then. I'm sure he did and I'm sure that would've been really frustrating for him. I know he cared about me, perhaps not as much as I cared about him but he clearly had his own issues to deal with and that's fine too.
I'm writing about this right now because 2012 is coming to a close and it was a year ago, almost to the day, when that emptiness finally subsided and I started down the path that led me to this sunshine, singing Janey that no one knows what to do with. My boyfriend this time last year was terrible. I don't think I've ever allowed anyone to speak to me in the way that I let him do for months, in fact, I know I've never let anyone do that. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that I was sabotaging myself because I didn't think I deserved to get what I wanted. That's what Sam was. That's what I thought I deserved.
The revolving downward spiral of men in my life is astounding. Every one was worse than the other, and each guy I date I didn't think could get much worse. But then I outdo myself again. And Sam was the worse of the worse. Even worse than the nameless, faceless guy. I knew that guy was skeezy. Sam spent time acting as if he wasn't, but the longer I was with him, the worse he got. If he had pulled anything he had done in our last week together when we first started dating, I honestly think I would've put my foot down. But he conditioned me to think these terrible things of myself. He had this amazing way of turning every thing around so I felt guilty, even when it had nothing to do with me.
Sam was rock bottom for me. I finally knew that enough was enough and I decided that I was actually worth something. It was liberating. Looking back now, I feel like the girl from last year is an entirely different person, not only could that girl not be me, we wouldn't even be related.
Now enter Bryan, my new beau. I love him. Not in an all-consuming, reckless, fevered way, like how I was with Ryan. In a full and enduring way. I like how I feel when I'm around him. I'm not embarrassed of who I am or what I look like. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I know exactly where I should be going. Like I'm a person with a purpose. Like I'm a lady. Like I'm special. Like I'm important.
Sometimes I wonder how I would react if we broke up (because guys, it's still me and I still am a pretty dark little lady). I'd like to think I would be all right. I mean I would be devastated but I think I've figured things out enough to know that I'll be okay. Eventually I would be okay.
Now I know this long winded post seems like it's about boys. Like I'm a girl who can't function without a boyfriend. I want to stress that this has never been nor will ever be me. I am typically a creature of solitude and have been since I was a child. I love my friends and I love hanging out with them but I have always been able to function quite well on my own. So no, I'm not a person who is defined by a boyfriend.
No, I just had the tendency to date random guys (never seriously, mind you!) that treated me exactly the way I thought I deserved to be treated. I dated the guys who viewed me the way I viewed myself, so the worse I felt the worse the guys I dated became. It was another form of punishment for myself, having someone else reiterate the dark things that lurked into the back of my mind. How terrible had it been that Ryan had taken all my insecurities and thrown them back in my face as the reason why he couldn't love me? That's why I couldn't love me. I had been a glutton for punishment.
Well I think I've summed up everything I wanted to say, more or less. I know I said I was going to talk about my boyfriend and I guess I didn't really- I talked about me. I can be very self involved, obviously I'm writing a blog to no one as if someone really cares about the big mental breakthrough I had a year ago. Ha!
Stay fresh ta death, yo
Monday, December 10, 2012
epiphany
So the most amazing thing has happened to me and I want to shout it off the rooftops:
"I'M HAPPY DAMMIT!"
The most bizarre thing has happened to me- I am changing my life to one I want to live.
Even when I'm bored or tired, I think to myself "I'm pretty fucking happy."
I took inventory of the things in my life that brought my stress and grief and I fixed them.
My job? Got a new one. My apartment? Moved out. My boyfriend? Dumped him.
(Not my current boyfriend, I love him. He rocks! I mean my crappy boyfriend from last year)
I don't know, maybe this is all just fleeting. Maybe this too shall pass. Maybe I'm in for a crap ton of heartbreak. But I like to think that this is the scales evening out. All those years of being saddened and alone and now I've stepped out into the light. And if this is fleeting, at least I know that I'm enjoying it.
This may also be another sign of the apocalpse, in case anyone is keeping track.
Stay fresh!
p.s. I have a kitten and he's uhh-door-uhh-bull!
"I'M HAPPY DAMMIT!"
The most bizarre thing has happened to me- I am changing my life to one I want to live.
Even when I'm bored or tired, I think to myself "I'm pretty fucking happy."
I took inventory of the things in my life that brought my stress and grief and I fixed them.
My job? Got a new one. My apartment? Moved out. My boyfriend? Dumped him.
(Not my current boyfriend, I love him. He rocks! I mean my crappy boyfriend from last year)
I don't know, maybe this is all just fleeting. Maybe this too shall pass. Maybe I'm in for a crap ton of heartbreak. But I like to think that this is the scales evening out. All those years of being saddened and alone and now I've stepped out into the light. And if this is fleeting, at least I know that I'm enjoying it.
This may also be another sign of the apocalpse, in case anyone is keeping track.
Stay fresh!
p.s. I have a kitten and he's uhh-door-uhh-bull!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
a non-important update
Hello nobody who reads this! I just thought I would check back here and update the invisible masses who read this silly thing about the unimportant updates of my life.
First off, I finally read The Late Shift, the book about the Letterman/Leno feud that I said I wanted to read like 5 years ago and also, as a follow up I read the author's other book about the Conan/Leno feud that just happened a few years ago. That one was more interesting to me, but I think that's just because I had become invested in that whole ordeal. To me, it was like a metaphor of my life. And yes I was that self involved at the time. I felt like poor CoCo, who had been promised everything he had ever wanted and had it all taken away "because it wasn't working" but before he was actually given a chance to make it work. Change CoCo to Jane and the following pronouns and that's exactly how I felt with Ryan. So his final speech he gave on his tonight show, it spoke to me in ways that I still don't understand. That whole thing was silly and sad, and sadder how much it all meant to me at the time. Nonetheless, the book was a really good read.
Secondly, I got a new job! I don't know why I didn't state this first, this seems like bigger news but it's too late! I can't edit this, this is written in STONE. Annnnyways, I now work for a company, you may have heard of, called Amazon.com? I am a customer service representative who works from home, which conveniently solved the "I have no car, how will I get to work?" problem. Crisis averted! So far I really, really like it. Besides getting to work in my pajamas, I also have a set schedule which makes seeing that handsome man of mine a little easier, despite the fact that it's made harder because I don't have a car. Now we can see each other every 2 weeks at least since I have every Wednesday off and he has every other Wednesday off. And the job for the most part is just plain old fashion FUN!
Thirdly, CATS! Keith and I are going to get a little kitten. Name possibilities: LLCoolJ (no explanation needed, really), Abed (but only if Keith will let me get a) a cardigan for the kitten and b) another kitten named Troy), Bro (Bro, get off the table! Bro, don't poop on the couch!), or possibly Ronald Weasley (a ginger kitty). Other names have been thrown around, we'll see what his name is when we meet him. OTHER CATS! I have started posting pictures of cats every time someone posts something political on facebook. It's pretty funny.
Lastly, I started smoking again. Sorry mom! World's saddest panda.....
So from my shitty apartment to yours, stay fresh!
First off, I finally read The Late Shift, the book about the Letterman/Leno feud that I said I wanted to read like 5 years ago and also, as a follow up I read the author's other book about the Conan/Leno feud that just happened a few years ago. That one was more interesting to me, but I think that's just because I had become invested in that whole ordeal. To me, it was like a metaphor of my life. And yes I was that self involved at the time. I felt like poor CoCo, who had been promised everything he had ever wanted and had it all taken away "because it wasn't working" but before he was actually given a chance to make it work. Change CoCo to Jane and the following pronouns and that's exactly how I felt with Ryan. So his final speech he gave on his tonight show, it spoke to me in ways that I still don't understand. That whole thing was silly and sad, and sadder how much it all meant to me at the time. Nonetheless, the book was a really good read.
Secondly, I got a new job! I don't know why I didn't state this first, this seems like bigger news but it's too late! I can't edit this, this is written in STONE. Annnnyways, I now work for a company, you may have heard of, called Amazon.com? I am a customer service representative who works from home, which conveniently solved the "I have no car, how will I get to work?" problem. Crisis averted! So far I really, really like it. Besides getting to work in my pajamas, I also have a set schedule which makes seeing that handsome man of mine a little easier, despite the fact that it's made harder because I don't have a car. Now we can see each other every 2 weeks at least since I have every Wednesday off and he has every other Wednesday off. And the job for the most part is just plain old fashion FUN!
Thirdly, CATS! Keith and I are going to get a little kitten. Name possibilities: LLCoolJ (no explanation needed, really), Abed (but only if Keith will let me get a) a cardigan for the kitten and b) another kitten named Troy), Bro (Bro, get off the table! Bro, don't poop on the couch!), or possibly Ronald Weasley (a ginger kitty). Other names have been thrown around, we'll see what his name is when we meet him. OTHER CATS! I have started posting pictures of cats every time someone posts something political on facebook. It's pretty funny.
Lastly, I started smoking again. Sorry mom! World's saddest panda.....
So from my shitty apartment to yours, stay fresh!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
where in the world is....
jane who wears lots of scarves?
I hope in your head you were singing the theme song to the 90's game show/computer game with the same name, "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" because that's what was in my head.
Anyways, where in the world am I? Why, I am in my new apartment! That's right folks, I finally moved back out! And what else? I have a boyfriend too and we've been dating for almost seven months now.... I know what you're thinking. Who is this girl and what has she done with our Janey? Well it's me, my darlings and if you want further proof, here you go...
While, yes, I have moved out and got myself a man (a MAN!), but I also totaled my car a couple weeks ago (my fault) and I currently am laying in the living room of my new apartment, dying of heat stroke (we live above a laundromat), and suffering from pink eye. I look like a freaking pirate.
I still work at the same crappy job I did last time I posted.
But I feel different. And who knows, this may change, but instead of thinking the world owes me for the crap I'm continually being dealt, I'm going to try to make the best of it. For example, I totaled my car and I had liability only on it so there's no way of getting a new car except with the money out of my literal pockets. And there's not much money in there. So that sucks, but instead of thinking this is bullshit the universe hates me, oh woe is me, I just need to think, this is bullshit but it happened, so what am I going to do next to fix this? My mom (bless her loving and beautiful soul) is having hip replacement surgery soon and she said I can borrow her car while she is on the mend. After that, I'm going to look at my expenses and my so very little and sad paycheck and figure out how much I can afford to pay on a car payment, and buy a car. And this time have full coverage instead of liability only.
So that's my plan.
I'll be honest, probably the worst part of not having a car is the fact that it is so difficult to see my boyfriend now. He lives two hours away so now to visit him (so he's not driving here every week) I have to take a greyhound bus, which is pretty inconvenient simply because he lives an hour away from the grey hound station, so he still has to drive. But he's fantastic and awesome and drives that hour to pick me up anyways. I don't know how I lucked out to find such a wonderful guy but I'm going to try my best not to muck this one up. We'll see if that happens.
So that's it I believe, those are my wondrous and illustrious updates.
Stay fresh.
I hope in your head you were singing the theme song to the 90's game show/computer game with the same name, "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" because that's what was in my head.
Anyways, where in the world am I? Why, I am in my new apartment! That's right folks, I finally moved back out! And what else? I have a boyfriend too and we've been dating for almost seven months now.... I know what you're thinking. Who is this girl and what has she done with our Janey? Well it's me, my darlings and if you want further proof, here you go...
While, yes, I have moved out and got myself a man (a MAN!), but I also totaled my car a couple weeks ago (my fault) and I currently am laying in the living room of my new apartment, dying of heat stroke (we live above a laundromat), and suffering from pink eye. I look like a freaking pirate.
I still work at the same crappy job I did last time I posted.
But I feel different. And who knows, this may change, but instead of thinking the world owes me for the crap I'm continually being dealt, I'm going to try to make the best of it. For example, I totaled my car and I had liability only on it so there's no way of getting a new car except with the money out of my literal pockets. And there's not much money in there. So that sucks, but instead of thinking this is bullshit the universe hates me, oh woe is me, I just need to think, this is bullshit but it happened, so what am I going to do next to fix this? My mom (bless her loving and beautiful soul) is having hip replacement surgery soon and she said I can borrow her car while she is on the mend. After that, I'm going to look at my expenses and my so very little and sad paycheck and figure out how much I can afford to pay on a car payment, and buy a car. And this time have full coverage instead of liability only.
So that's my plan.
I'll be honest, probably the worst part of not having a car is the fact that it is so difficult to see my boyfriend now. He lives two hours away so now to visit him (so he's not driving here every week) I have to take a greyhound bus, which is pretty inconvenient simply because he lives an hour away from the grey hound station, so he still has to drive. But he's fantastic and awesome and drives that hour to pick me up anyways. I don't know how I lucked out to find such a wonderful guy but I'm going to try my best not to muck this one up. We'll see if that happens.
So that's it I believe, those are my wondrous and illustrious updates.
Stay fresh.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
welcome to the longest week in jane's life...
My week started off with lay offs at work. Our store manager called in each manager one by one and let them go. I spent 7 hours at work crying and wondering, Hey am I next? Am I unemployed? I am employed. They eliminated layers of management and condensed three managers positions into one and instead of offering it to one of the three managers whose positions were essentially eliminated, it was offered to me. I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. But I do know I hate my job.
And I feel guilty. Guilty that three people lost their jobs so I could keep one and even more guilty that I have this job and I hate it and I'm going to quit the first opportunity I get. It sucks. It sucks because I don't want this position and I'm going to leave and yet someone lost their job. I feel ungrateful and foolish. But I absolutely 100% hate the job I was signed up to do.
And on a related note, Ron Johnson the CEO of jcpenney is an asshole. This multimillionaire "job creator" just cost an undisclosed number of people their jobs. Dear Ron Johnson, you want to cut 900 million dollars in 2 years? How about you and your apple buddies taking a fucking pay cut?
While I agree that there was too many levels of management and probably needed to be trimmed down, Mr. Johnson got a little scissor happy. And what's worse is all the management has an absurd level of responsibility yet the company didn't think it warranted a merit increase. Heads up Mr. Johnson, if you expect managers (I'm sorry, Service Lead Experts, yes take away any fictional authority we had in our names, thanks) to work themselves to the bone, you should probably compensate them for it. Especially when everything is thrown at us with sometimes only a couple hours warning. Retail shouldn't be a war zone Mr. Johnson, so why do I feel like I'm in combat every day.
Did you think about the effects of your actions by this, what I'm assuming is an insanely large number since it's been a week and it is being refused to be disclosed, massive exodus? Did you think about the associates who felt blindsided and now know that their "Service Lead Experts" are mere puppets in your own little Extreme Makeover: Retail edition? That they are now forced to have people that have no idea what they are doing over them just so you can cut money. Did you think about the customers, the few that we have, that have become accustomed to having associates help them or at least be at the register to ring them out? I can't even start to train in my position because my entire shift is consumed by associates needing help in their quads ringing out because they are short staffed and covering breaks because we are running on the very bare minimum of associates. So that means all the slack falls back on the Service Lead bullshit to carry it all, yet again, not being compensated for it.
This to me is a prime example of everything that is wrong with our country. Rich white men use their corporations (who are people) as a game of RISK. They gamble with people's livelihood, 401ks, and entire world and if they drop the ball, nothing happens to them. They sit at their million dollar mansion in Silicon Valley and contemplate their next venture. Meanwhile, the collateral damage, aka Middle America, is left seeping through the wreckage trying to understand how it came to this and where to go next. And that's the beauty of capitalism, right?!
I hope with all of my heart that Mr. Johnson's endeavor is in fact successful, that he re energizes the way we view retail and completely warps the retail store and becomes the front runner of all that great and awesome. Yeah. And it will be awesome to stick around and be apart of that if it does happen. But what if it doesn't? What if the American people never take to Mr. Johnson's idea of the retail store and it fails? Well I'm not willing to take that chance with my life. Some people may say you have to take a chance or you'll never really live. I get that, I do. I will put myself out there and tell someone I love them even if I don't know what they will say in response, I will take travel the world with no plans and only a bag on my back and see what happens. But when it comes to my career, my life, I'm not willing to see if some dude hundreds of miles away was right. It's a gamble, and part of gambling is losing. I'm not willing to lose this.
I'm sure that if someone from work reads this or even Mr. Johnson himself, I will be out of a job. (No one likes a naysayer.) My hopes is by the time someone sees this I will already be out of that job. I will gamble my job with the expression of my first amendment right of free speech. Because I'm an American lower middle class woman and that is what I'm entitled to do.
And I feel guilty. Guilty that three people lost their jobs so I could keep one and even more guilty that I have this job and I hate it and I'm going to quit the first opportunity I get. It sucks. It sucks because I don't want this position and I'm going to leave and yet someone lost their job. I feel ungrateful and foolish. But I absolutely 100% hate the job I was signed up to do.
And on a related note, Ron Johnson the CEO of jcpenney is an asshole. This multimillionaire "job creator" just cost an undisclosed number of people their jobs. Dear Ron Johnson, you want to cut 900 million dollars in 2 years? How about you and your apple buddies taking a fucking pay cut?
While I agree that there was too many levels of management and probably needed to be trimmed down, Mr. Johnson got a little scissor happy. And what's worse is all the management has an absurd level of responsibility yet the company didn't think it warranted a merit increase. Heads up Mr. Johnson, if you expect managers (I'm sorry, Service Lead Experts, yes take away any fictional authority we had in our names, thanks) to work themselves to the bone, you should probably compensate them for it. Especially when everything is thrown at us with sometimes only a couple hours warning. Retail shouldn't be a war zone Mr. Johnson, so why do I feel like I'm in combat every day.
Did you think about the effects of your actions by this, what I'm assuming is an insanely large number since it's been a week and it is being refused to be disclosed, massive exodus? Did you think about the associates who felt blindsided and now know that their "Service Lead Experts" are mere puppets in your own little Extreme Makeover: Retail edition? That they are now forced to have people that have no idea what they are doing over them just so you can cut money. Did you think about the customers, the few that we have, that have become accustomed to having associates help them or at least be at the register to ring them out? I can't even start to train in my position because my entire shift is consumed by associates needing help in their quads ringing out because they are short staffed and covering breaks because we are running on the very bare minimum of associates. So that means all the slack falls back on the Service Lead bullshit to carry it all, yet again, not being compensated for it.
This to me is a prime example of everything that is wrong with our country. Rich white men use their corporations (who are people) as a game of RISK. They gamble with people's livelihood, 401ks, and entire world and if they drop the ball, nothing happens to them. They sit at their million dollar mansion in Silicon Valley and contemplate their next venture. Meanwhile, the collateral damage, aka Middle America, is left seeping through the wreckage trying to understand how it came to this and where to go next. And that's the beauty of capitalism, right?!
I hope with all of my heart that Mr. Johnson's endeavor is in fact successful, that he re energizes the way we view retail and completely warps the retail store and becomes the front runner of all that great and awesome. Yeah. And it will be awesome to stick around and be apart of that if it does happen. But what if it doesn't? What if the American people never take to Mr. Johnson's idea of the retail store and it fails? Well I'm not willing to take that chance with my life. Some people may say you have to take a chance or you'll never really live. I get that, I do. I will put myself out there and tell someone I love them even if I don't know what they will say in response, I will take travel the world with no plans and only a bag on my back and see what happens. But when it comes to my career, my life, I'm not willing to see if some dude hundreds of miles away was right. It's a gamble, and part of gambling is losing. I'm not willing to lose this.
I'm sure that if someone from work reads this or even Mr. Johnson himself, I will be out of a job. (No one likes a naysayer.) My hopes is by the time someone sees this I will already be out of that job. I will gamble my job with the expression of my first amendment right of free speech. Because I'm an American lower middle class woman and that is what I'm entitled to do.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
new year, new proverbial leaf...
So I see my posts from 2011 have been, er, lacking. As in they don't really exist. But what a year 2011 was! It was a tumultuous year, a year of losing then finding of myself. I'm being vague, let me expand.
I started last year on the right foot, I had a better attitude and decided that this year was all about me. Me! The only person I hadn't been thinking about and should have been all this time. And so while there were the occasional low moments of weakness and slipping into old ways, the beginning of 2011 was for the most part a success. That is...
Until I met the completely forgettable, faceless guy. The guy who could be in Anywhere, USA and has the common name like John or Frank. (His name was neither for the record.) His commonplace and everydayness about him tricked me and had me under an illusion that he was in fact a good person. It should be known that he is not. And I could post his real name and say what he did but because of general manners and class, I will not. Though in reality I probably should just in case I help some foolish, naive girl from making the same mistakes as me...
This nameless man derailed me in a way that no other man could ever come close to. Even Ryan (Gasp!). He took away any form of self confidence I had built up over the past year since Ryan's dumping. He took away the joy of my promotion. He took away everything that I had worked so hard for. His shadow lingered long after he left and left unmistakable fingerprints of the "nobody" guy.
But! After a night of drinking, I stumbled out of my friend's car and almost literally ran into the guy that lived downstairs and for the first time in a while, I felt like I did actually have control of my life. So I believed.
Things went slowly with the downstairs neighbor, which was a nice change of pace. Instead of jumping into things with someone, I organized my thoughts and finally I asked him to either be with me or just be my neighbor. After several days deliberation, he decided that I was worth being with, except not enough to tell most people that he was actually with someone. Or enough to meet his friends. But enough to tell me that I shouldn't hang out with my friends.
So after a couple months of drunken fighting and crying, I was delivered with an ultimatum. My friends or him. Not even a choice. That's when I discovered something extraordinary, men don't have to leave. I could be the one that leaves this time.
And that's what I did. Although he's still my neighbor so I see him, um, everyday. It's awkward to say the least. But since our break up I've been cleaning house, as the saying goes, and organizing and just trying to be more awesome than usual.
So in accordance of being more awesome, here are my goals that I want to accomplish by the end of 2012...
1) move out into my own apartment
2) have at least $2,000 in my savings
3) at least 3 DIY crafts
4) lose 15 pounds
5) stay organized
6) plan a big trip
7) cook a new meal once a week
I also would like to note that I quit smoking in 2011, cold turkey, because I am the greatest. Not to toot my own horn but.... toot toot!
Stay fresh, yo!
I started last year on the right foot, I had a better attitude and decided that this year was all about me. Me! The only person I hadn't been thinking about and should have been all this time. And so while there were the occasional low moments of weakness and slipping into old ways, the beginning of 2011 was for the most part a success. That is...
Until I met the completely forgettable, faceless guy. The guy who could be in Anywhere, USA and has the common name like John or Frank. (His name was neither for the record.) His commonplace and everydayness about him tricked me and had me under an illusion that he was in fact a good person. It should be known that he is not. And I could post his real name and say what he did but because of general manners and class, I will not. Though in reality I probably should just in case I help some foolish, naive girl from making the same mistakes as me...
This nameless man derailed me in a way that no other man could ever come close to. Even Ryan (Gasp!). He took away any form of self confidence I had built up over the past year since Ryan's dumping. He took away the joy of my promotion. He took away everything that I had worked so hard for. His shadow lingered long after he left and left unmistakable fingerprints of the "nobody" guy.
But! After a night of drinking, I stumbled out of my friend's car and almost literally ran into the guy that lived downstairs and for the first time in a while, I felt like I did actually have control of my life. So I believed.
Things went slowly with the downstairs neighbor, which was a nice change of pace. Instead of jumping into things with someone, I organized my thoughts and finally I asked him to either be with me or just be my neighbor. After several days deliberation, he decided that I was worth being with, except not enough to tell most people that he was actually with someone. Or enough to meet his friends. But enough to tell me that I shouldn't hang out with my friends.
So after a couple months of drunken fighting and crying, I was delivered with an ultimatum. My friends or him. Not even a choice. That's when I discovered something extraordinary, men don't have to leave. I could be the one that leaves this time.
And that's what I did. Although he's still my neighbor so I see him, um, everyday. It's awkward to say the least. But since our break up I've been cleaning house, as the saying goes, and organizing and just trying to be more awesome than usual.
So in accordance of being more awesome, here are my goals that I want to accomplish by the end of 2012...
1) move out into my own apartment
2) have at least $2,000 in my savings
3) at least 3 DIY crafts
4) lose 15 pounds
5) stay organized
6) plan a big trip
7) cook a new meal once a week
I also would like to note that I quit smoking in 2011, cold turkey, because I am the greatest. Not to toot my own horn but.... toot toot!
Stay fresh, yo!
Monday, April 25, 2011
sleep is for fools.
So I have slept probably 10 hours altogether in the past week. Its beginning to become inconvenient. And I can't eat really, which I thought was just the medicine I was taking was an appetite suppressor but apparently it's not just that. I have had a very hard and defining past two weeks. And here is neither the place nor the forum to discuss the life altering matters that have occurred in my life. However I can share this little ditty I read:
Interesting...
Other random updates:
I got a promotion, I am now a supervisor. hip hip!
Also, I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras to visit Veronica.
Of course, habitually single Colleen is still habitually single.
Stay fresh.
“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” -Elizabeth Gilbert
Interesting...
Other random updates:
I got a promotion, I am now a supervisor. hip hip!
Also, I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras to visit Veronica.
Of course, habitually single Colleen is still habitually single.
Stay fresh.
Friday, February 11, 2011
my heart hurts
today, or rather this year, has been awful in every sense of the word. I don't mean since January 1st. I mean the past 12 months in general. Today is the day that the man that I loved more than anyone in the entire world decided he didn't want a part of my life anymore. And one year I still love him the same. I do whatever and anything I can to "dull" the pain. I try to fill the void but that's exactly what it is. It's filling the void. For the moment, for the night. It never lasts. Nothing ever does. I do not date and that's how I knew I loved Ryan. That's how I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, because I never want people in my life like that. I grew up keeping my distance and waiting for them to leave me, because that's all I know. Men leave.
And to this day, it's still true. Men leave. They walk out and leave. It doesn't matter what you do, the men you care about most in your life will always leave you. Maybe it's better I faced it now rather than later. Because eventually the pain will dull right? Eventually I will not feel empty and sad. And it's better after a couple months rather than years of my life. I will always be on my own. My friends, however dear to me they are, are only here when it's convenient. When their boyfriends are unavailable. And I'm here. Good ol' reliable Colleen. Single. Bitter. Alone. She'll go out with me on the ONE NIGHT I (Colleen) want to get hammered, make a terrible decision with a boy, and forget how one year ago my world was devastated. I'm a terrible friend.
I am a terrible friend. I was completely selfish tonight and what did I accomplish? Nothing. I dropped off the guy I was out with at another girl's house and the other guy I was talking to that I just found out had a girlfriend just texted me. This has to be a joke right? What do I do to attract such assholes? Is it because I, myself, am an asshole? I really do honestly try to be a good person and yet I continue to fail time and time again. I bring it upon myself between being a bad girlfriend to Ryan and a bad friend to all my friends, I deserve every bit of misery I get. I think that I'm some victim but really I'm the perpetrator. I need to get a grip on reality and realize my role in everything. My role is to be a bitch and alone. And I'm already doing a terrific job of both of those things. I'm a natural.
And to this day, it's still true. Men leave. They walk out and leave. It doesn't matter what you do, the men you care about most in your life will always leave you. Maybe it's better I faced it now rather than later. Because eventually the pain will dull right? Eventually I will not feel empty and sad. And it's better after a couple months rather than years of my life. I will always be on my own. My friends, however dear to me they are, are only here when it's convenient. When their boyfriends are unavailable. And I'm here. Good ol' reliable Colleen. Single. Bitter. Alone. She'll go out with me on the ONE NIGHT I (Colleen) want to get hammered, make a terrible decision with a boy, and forget how one year ago my world was devastated. I'm a terrible friend.
I am a terrible friend. I was completely selfish tonight and what did I accomplish? Nothing. I dropped off the guy I was out with at another girl's house and the other guy I was talking to that I just found out had a girlfriend just texted me. This has to be a joke right? What do I do to attract such assholes? Is it because I, myself, am an asshole? I really do honestly try to be a good person and yet I continue to fail time and time again. I bring it upon myself between being a bad girlfriend to Ryan and a bad friend to all my friends, I deserve every bit of misery I get. I think that I'm some victim but really I'm the perpetrator. I need to get a grip on reality and realize my role in everything. My role is to be a bitch and alone. And I'm already doing a terrific job of both of those things. I'm a natural.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
perks of being an only child
One year has passed,
and this time I'm not sleeping on the couch.
Not that I'm whole and healed,
how could anyone be cured
with three feet of snow on the ground?
And how could anyone be cured
from fearing of waking up?
Of rolling over in an empty bed?
I, who has always relished in my solitary confinement,
now see the allure of a couch
on a snowy February night-
Alone waking up, knowing there's no room for someone else.
and this time I'm not sleeping on the couch.
Not that I'm whole and healed,
how could anyone be cured
with three feet of snow on the ground?
And how could anyone be cured
from fearing of waking up?
Of rolling over in an empty bed?
I, who has always relished in my solitary confinement,
now see the allure of a couch
on a snowy February night-
Alone waking up, knowing there's no room for someone else.
Friday, January 7, 2011
zestfully refreshed!
Ahhhhh!!! Peace at last! It's a Friday night and I have a near negative bank account balance. My car is almost on empty and I am quite content. I have a fabulous new hair cut compliments of Calie McGee. My hours are being cut at work, not too much though. I've stressed to them how important it is for me to be able to pay my bills. Thats where the trouble started last year.
Actually the trouble started last year when I arrived home from New Orleans. That's the time when Ryan and I started fighting and then little Andrew and I stopped being friends. Then my hours got cut and I couldn't pay my bills which made my dad angry and he started calling me and yelling at me every day. Then Ryan dumped me because I was a giant loser, to paraphrase him. And I still didn't have a car so I was single, friendless because even Holly wouldn't answer my calls, my dad hated me, and broke with no way to go anywhere. The months following mine and Ryan's break up was easily the lowest I've ever been. It was as if anything bad that could happen did happen and all at once.
But eventually, and painfully slowly I might add, things began to turn around. I got more hours at work so I could start paying my bills which got my dad off my back. I let myself be consumed with Lost so my heart didn't hurt so much thinking about Ryan. I even started dating a little, not seriously because I won't ever be in love like that again. I even finally bought a car.
Not to say everything is now perfect and dandy. Because surely it's not. While I do have a car, it runs about half the time and I have to bang it for it to even start. I still scrape by with my bills especially now since my hours got cut again. I cut myself off from the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a boyfriend again.
I guess the difference is it's 2011. It's a fresh new start. And I thought it would be poetic justice, I guess, to end the shitfest year of 2010 that started in New Orleans to also end there. So when everyone bailed for this reason and that and I thought I had no way down there to visit Veronica and I gave up hope for one second. But Veronica was so upset that I promised her I would find a way to her. So I pretty much all but solicited myself on FaceBook, Craigslist and Couchsurfing and finally found a ride down with a minister from Michigan off of Craigslist. Long story short: I had one of the best weekends of my life and a brand new start to 2011.
I came home feeling like I did when I came home from Europe. Proud and accomplished to actually have done it, relieved to finally be home, and happy that I went on any adventure at all. But I know all too well that this feeling doesn't last, it fades and with the snow and cold it may fade fast. So I'm trying to hold on to it. To embrace the newness of the New Year and remember how lucky I am and to refuse to back down when it feels like everything is going the other way. My trip to New Orleans taught me that I can do it and dang it, if I try hard enough I actually will!
Stay fresh, folks.
Actually the trouble started last year when I arrived home from New Orleans. That's the time when Ryan and I started fighting and then little Andrew and I stopped being friends. Then my hours got cut and I couldn't pay my bills which made my dad angry and he started calling me and yelling at me every day. Then Ryan dumped me because I was a giant loser, to paraphrase him. And I still didn't have a car so I was single, friendless because even Holly wouldn't answer my calls, my dad hated me, and broke with no way to go anywhere. The months following mine and Ryan's break up was easily the lowest I've ever been. It was as if anything bad that could happen did happen and all at once.
But eventually, and painfully slowly I might add, things began to turn around. I got more hours at work so I could start paying my bills which got my dad off my back. I let myself be consumed with Lost so my heart didn't hurt so much thinking about Ryan. I even started dating a little, not seriously because I won't ever be in love like that again. I even finally bought a car.
Not to say everything is now perfect and dandy. Because surely it's not. While I do have a car, it runs about half the time and I have to bang it for it to even start. I still scrape by with my bills especially now since my hours got cut again. I cut myself off from the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a boyfriend again.
I guess the difference is it's 2011. It's a fresh new start. And I thought it would be poetic justice, I guess, to end the shitfest year of 2010 that started in New Orleans to also end there. So when everyone bailed for this reason and that and I thought I had no way down there to visit Veronica and I gave up hope for one second. But Veronica was so upset that I promised her I would find a way to her. So I pretty much all but solicited myself on FaceBook, Craigslist and Couchsurfing and finally found a ride down with a minister from Michigan off of Craigslist. Long story short: I had one of the best weekends of my life and a brand new start to 2011.
I came home feeling like I did when I came home from Europe. Proud and accomplished to actually have done it, relieved to finally be home, and happy that I went on any adventure at all. But I know all too well that this feeling doesn't last, it fades and with the snow and cold it may fade fast. So I'm trying to hold on to it. To embrace the newness of the New Year and remember how lucky I am and to refuse to back down when it feels like everything is going the other way. My trip to New Orleans taught me that I can do it and dang it, if I try hard enough I actually will!
Stay fresh, folks.
Monday, November 29, 2010
o children
I cannot stop listening to this song:
I'm completely obsessed with it and I'm not exactly even sure why. I've been in a bummed mood the past couple of weeks. Which isn't all that surprising since its the end of November and it's getting cold. I'm over this cold weather already. So. Over. It.
I am reading a really awesome book on President Lincoln's Assassination. It's super interesting and surprisingly easy to read.
I hope that I get in a better mood soon. I hope some good karma comes my way. But I guess in order to receive good karma I gotta send out some first. Maybe I'll work on that instead.
Here's to staying fresh.
I'm completely obsessed with it and I'm not exactly even sure why. I've been in a bummed mood the past couple of weeks. Which isn't all that surprising since its the end of November and it's getting cold. I'm over this cold weather already. So. Over. It.
I am reading a really awesome book on President Lincoln's Assassination. It's super interesting and surprisingly easy to read.
I hope that I get in a better mood soon. I hope some good karma comes my way. But I guess in order to receive good karma I gotta send out some first. Maybe I'll work on that instead.
Here's to staying fresh.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
"It doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get
... or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
I am semi-getting things back together. I have a car (FINALLY!!), I worked out the other day with Calie, I'm cleaning my room hardcore, and I'm budgetting my money like what what. Buuuuut, I don't have like any money so for the next couple of weeks I'm going to be a little tight but I'll get it together, I always do.
and I chopped off my hair, and I look extra sexy.
Stay fresh.
I am semi-getting things back together. I have a car (FINALLY!!), I worked out the other day with Calie, I'm cleaning my room hardcore, and I'm budgetting my money like what what. Buuuuut, I don't have like any money so for the next couple of weeks I'm going to be a little tight but I'll get it together, I always do.
and I chopped off my hair, and I look extra sexy.
Stay fresh.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Grayer than where sea meets sky
Early in the morning while the tide was still low
and the sky was so gray, you couldn’t see the sunrise,
I sat on the rock wall and waited for you.
The fog rose with the tide as the sun stretched
in the sky (though she hid behind a blanket of clouds),
My feet swinging off the rock wall as I waited for you.
Ships docked to the bleakest sunset,
I watched the sailors walk to their homes
and on the rock wall I waited for you.
One sailor stopped, he told me…..
Words trip over tongues when they come out of mouths
and eyes look sad as the words pour out-
but I would know if I lost my heart out at sea,
how else would I hear you ask wait for me?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
that is latin for "who will guard the guards?"
That line was in this Dan Brown book that I read per Jake's suggestion and I liked it a lot. The line, not the book. Though the book was fine. Typical Dan Brown. You read one or two of his books and you can pretty much predict how the book is going to end. More or less, I mean. I didn't know this or that was going to happen but I was like BOOM! That guy, you think he's the bad guy, but really its this one. And I was right. Surprise, surprise.
Anyways, I am just sitting on my bed with my new laptop that I bought with MY money (since you know, everything has just been handed to me all my life). I once again have tons of stuff to do with no real desire to do it. This seems to be a common theme on here. I'm kinda falling back into my dark place again, which is weird because its still super hot outside. Maybe its just a cyclic high and low and just a normal function of life. But my lows are really low. They are bad lows. Worse than I think most people realize. Not like I have the worst life in the world and no one understands me and oh woe is me. But more like people think I'm just in a bad mood or angry or something but it's more complicated than that. I really do try to be in a good mood and bubbly and what not but I sometimes think that I push to the side upset feelings and let them build up until I can't ignore them anymore and I am overrun with negative feelings. That or I'm a crazy person. All is possible in this crazy mixed up world my friends.
So updates! I went to North Carolina and brought Tiffany with me for my annual family vacation down at Sunset Beach. Every year I'm harassed about whether or not I'm going to go and I never do because I don't have money or time or this reason or that. But this year I had both and I assumed since I AM still family that the invitation still layed open. I apparently was mistaken. I should not have gone down at all. That whole trip really shook me up and made me really sad. It just made me feel really isolated and separate. Like I was not good enough. Which listen family, I do a good enough job on my own feeling inadequate, please don't add to it. You will make me a crazy crazy person. We ended up making friends and having fun so all in all, it worked out in the end.
But I really do feel in weird mood. I think Ryan is talking to someone else. I'm not okay with that. I mean I have no right to say anything because Lord knows I've been doing my talking (or lack there of, eh eh!) but I guess the difference is I don't mean anything of it. I'm not going to date any of these guys seriously. I don't care to be alone, what I don't want is to always feel empty. That was a feeling that I thought would go away or at least dull with time, but it hasn't and now I fear it never will. I'm probably just being overdramatic. I am. That's what I do.
What I need is something really good to just work out for me and restore my faith in myself and humanity. Isn't there a quick fix for something like that? No? Well then, I'm fucked. Just kidding. Maybe I need just a game plan, something to work towards. Oh, wait I do!
Colleen's Plans for The Future (uture, uture, uture....)
1.) NOT go back to school. That is, til I can pay for it without any of my dad's help cosigning loans, nothing. I'm tired of having this held over my head like I owe him something. And I'm some ungrateful bitch because I don't shower him with praises, compliments, and bash my mom. Excuse me, do you even know the last guy I dated? You didn't even call on my birthday and last time you did, you yelled at me til I cried. Like any of this really matters, Lord knows you only have one child anyways. One child worth anything to you at least.... this was not the point. Rambling over!
2.) Go to London in July 2011 for HP DH final premiere (YAY! Two of my favorite things, Europe and Harry Potter!!)
3.) Move out. I love my mom and its fine living with her, I just miss living out on my own and having people over.
4.) Get a second job. These are all costly things I want to do, I need some more moneyzz.
Well I got some good things going for me and good things on the horizon. Hopefully, with some hard work and good fortune, things will actually go my way. Here's to hoping!
Stay fresh.
That line was in this Dan Brown book that I read per Jake's suggestion and I liked it a lot. The line, not the book. Though the book was fine. Typical Dan Brown. You read one or two of his books and you can pretty much predict how the book is going to end. More or less, I mean. I didn't know this or that was going to happen but I was like BOOM! That guy, you think he's the bad guy, but really its this one. And I was right. Surprise, surprise.
Anyways, I am just sitting on my bed with my new laptop that I bought with MY money (since you know, everything has just been handed to me all my life). I once again have tons of stuff to do with no real desire to do it. This seems to be a common theme on here. I'm kinda falling back into my dark place again, which is weird because its still super hot outside. Maybe its just a cyclic high and low and just a normal function of life. But my lows are really low. They are bad lows. Worse than I think most people realize. Not like I have the worst life in the world and no one understands me and oh woe is me. But more like people think I'm just in a bad mood or angry or something but it's more complicated than that. I really do try to be in a good mood and bubbly and what not but I sometimes think that I push to the side upset feelings and let them build up until I can't ignore them anymore and I am overrun with negative feelings. That or I'm a crazy person. All is possible in this crazy mixed up world my friends.
So updates! I went to North Carolina and brought Tiffany with me for my annual family vacation down at Sunset Beach. Every year I'm harassed about whether or not I'm going to go and I never do because I don't have money or time or this reason or that. But this year I had both and I assumed since I AM still family that the invitation still layed open. I apparently was mistaken. I should not have gone down at all. That whole trip really shook me up and made me really sad. It just made me feel really isolated and separate. Like I was not good enough. Which listen family, I do a good enough job on my own feeling inadequate, please don't add to it. You will make me a crazy crazy person. We ended up making friends and having fun so all in all, it worked out in the end.
But I really do feel in weird mood. I think Ryan is talking to someone else. I'm not okay with that. I mean I have no right to say anything because Lord knows I've been doing my talking (or lack there of, eh eh!) but I guess the difference is I don't mean anything of it. I'm not going to date any of these guys seriously. I don't care to be alone, what I don't want is to always feel empty. That was a feeling that I thought would go away or at least dull with time, but it hasn't and now I fear it never will. I'm probably just being overdramatic. I am. That's what I do.
What I need is something really good to just work out for me and restore my faith in myself and humanity. Isn't there a quick fix for something like that? No? Well then, I'm fucked. Just kidding. Maybe I need just a game plan, something to work towards. Oh, wait I do!
Colleen's Plans for The Future (uture, uture, uture....)
1.) NOT go back to school. That is, til I can pay for it without any of my dad's help cosigning loans, nothing. I'm tired of having this held over my head like I owe him something. And I'm some ungrateful bitch because I don't shower him with praises, compliments, and bash my mom. Excuse me, do you even know the last guy I dated? You didn't even call on my birthday and last time you did, you yelled at me til I cried. Like any of this really matters, Lord knows you only have one child anyways. One child worth anything to you at least.... this was not the point. Rambling over!
2.) Go to London in July 2011 for HP DH final premiere (YAY! Two of my favorite things, Europe and Harry Potter!!)
3.) Move out. I love my mom and its fine living with her, I just miss living out on my own and having people over.
4.) Get a second job. These are all costly things I want to do, I need some more moneyzz.
Well I got some good things going for me and good things on the horizon. Hopefully, with some hard work and good fortune, things will actually go my way. Here's to hoping!
Stay fresh.
Monday, June 28, 2010
In honor of the 3rd Deathly Hallows Trailer....
"I don't know who he loved, Hermoine, but it was never me. This isn't love, the mess he's left me in."
That almost sounds like it could come from Twilight. Too bad HP is much more awesome.
That almost sounds like it could come from Twilight. Too bad HP is much more awesome.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
If I had eyes in the back my head
I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away
If you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you never really be
The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore
Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding,
I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time
Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin
I'm moving on to bigger and better things, and certain people would be better off letting me do so please. Because quite honestly, trying after everything that has happened is an exercise in futility and a complete waste of everyone involved's time. You made your decision months ago, I believe the saying is "You've made your bed, now you must lie in it." It's not my fault that you are suddenly realizing what you had. Please, please, stop while you're ahead. I cannot handle any more of your bull shit.
You looked good
As I walked away
If you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you never really be
The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore
Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding,
I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time
Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin
I'm moving on to bigger and better things, and certain people would be better off letting me do so please. Because quite honestly, trying after everything that has happened is an exercise in futility and a complete waste of everyone involved's time. You made your decision months ago, I believe the saying is "You've made your bed, now you must lie in it." It's not my fault that you are suddenly realizing what you had. Please, please, stop while you're ahead. I cannot handle any more of your bull shit.
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