fear and loathing...

That's the book I am currently reading. Now that I am dumped I am reading more, or rather I'm reading as much as I used to before a boy consumed my life. Well, it's not so much as he consumed it as I didn't have as much free time as I do now. I have tons of it. So I've been reading. And watching alot of TV shows on DVD, like Scrubs and Seinfeld. I'm just doing really anything to keep myself busy so I don't think about the last few weeks. I'm doing better, I still have sad days and sad parts of days and apparently when I get drunk I'm super crazy, crying and laughing and then crying again. And according to some of my friends, I drink too much.

But what is too much? I mean, it's all relative. Too much to some of my friends is not enough for me. I've just been in a funk and I'm trying to get out of it. I've decided not to be cynical and to try to maintain an upbeat outlook, which is really hard for me since, oh I don't know, the man that I loved and told me that he loved me too and that we were soulmates and that he wanted to marry me changed his mind in four short days then dumped me over the phone. Okay clearly I'm not over it and I am a little bitter. Hey, I'm human! I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to find the silver fucking lining. I tell myself if we are really soulmates we'll end up together anyways and if we're not that means that there is someone out there even better for me, who will fight for me. I don't know if that helps though. It took me 22 years to find someone who I could finally love, I just worry what if it takes another 22 years for me to find someone else. I mean that's half of my life (assuming I live to like 80 or 90). And what if the next guy I love who I meet when I'm like 45, what if we only date for 6 months? Seriously?? And by then I won't be able to have children, so I'm going to be 45 years old whose longest relationship was 6 months and I've never been married and I'm barren.

Okay, okay... so I'm spinning out of control and who knows what the future may hold? I don't need to freak out that I'm going to be an old maid, it's all so far away. I need to live in the here and the now. Embrace my youth, live it up, go crazy. But I'm probably just going to stick my nose in my books and leave it there for awhile. I'd just rather forget my life and live in someone else's for a bit.

Another beer for me, please.

Well, my absolute worst fear has been realized. How am I dealing? Okay. I'm fine. Not really, at all, I feel more like devastated but it's been made terribly clear to me that there is nothing I can do to change anything. I cannot make him.... just nothing can be done. If you were to say forever, I would expect that you meant it. I meant it. Forehead kisses are forever, I thought I made that crystal clear but I guess it just didn't matter what I said. I'm just left here reminded by all those empty promises, tainted with the ones I planned the rest of my life on keeping, and just left alone. I thought I found the person who would never leave me alone, my soulmate, but I was foolishly mistaken. How duped was I? How could I ever think.... I was wrong. I loved so fully, I never imagined being so in love with someone and giving myself to someone so completely, and now I am empty. With time things will get better, or so I've heard. But I'm in love forever. I guess I'm just going to learn to love someone from afar who doesn't love me back. And right now, I feel awful. I don't want to get up or even just be alive. I wish I never met him and I wish I never felt this way ever ever ever. Time heals the heart.... but until then, I'm going to have another beer and maybe even another, until I forget my name and then I won't feel so bad. At least for right now. Tomorrow, yeah maybe tomorrow, will be better. Probably not but I can always hope.

i'm feeling a little crazy today

My mom's laptop's battery is about to die so this may be short. So I'm sitting here at my house, alone. My mom's back to working nights, Morgan and Tiffany were supposed to come over but they both bailed (at least Morgan told me she wasn't going to come over whereas Tiffany just never answered me) and Ryan won't call me back or answer my texts. I feel like dying with this sick, knotted feeling in my stomache. I'm just so tired of my life being in shambles. I know there's alot I can fix and that I haven't and that is on me. But the other stuff, the stuff with the people I care about not being here or not caring or at least not acting like they care, it makes me sick. Everyone should know by now that I can be an emotional wreck. I am an emotional wreck. Whatever I do is not enough and I am not good enough for me, for my family, for any one that I care about. I know this. I'm just tired of being reminded that every day. I want someone to tell me to have a good day in the morning or care that I was stuck behind some slow old man on the way to work so I was 3 minutes late. I want someone to care without me asking them to care. I want flowers on a random Tuesday, even if they were picked out of the ground. I want courtesy calls saying you're not coming over and just plain old fashioned honesty. I want to be needed and missed. I want to know that when I'm not there, you still need me. I want someone to do something completely for me for once. I want... too many things, and I don't deserve any of them. I get what I deserve. I don't deserve courtesy, respect, or honesty. I don't definately don't deserve special treatment or to be loved at all. I deserve nothing at all. I'm sorry this is so angsty to whoever is reading this, but after these past couple weeks I am just emotionally exhausted. No matter what happens I am the bad guy. I don't know how exactly but I know that somehow I am always feeling guilty and gravelling for attention. I am pathetic and lonely and pathetic. Did I mention pathetic? This whole entry is pathetic. I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Way overdue

So I messed up. Part of the reason I originally made this blog was to write as I traveled across Europe. I did however write in a journal so there is that written record but this one went on unused. That is not the point, the point is I haven't written in here in like 8 months so I'm going to try to write more.

Europe was life changing which totally sounds hokey but it was. I have these great friends all over the world and a different perspective on things I had never thought twice about, if that makes any sense.

So as usual, things in my life are falling apart. Before I left for Europe I totalled my car (side note: not my fault) and I'm still not back in school. I'm back to work at Penneys yet again where i get like 10 hours a week and I can't pay all my bills and my student loans. I need to step it up, I need to change. I seem to make a list of things I need to do and I always do them but still the list continues to get longer and longer with no end in sight. Its just really discouraging.

There is one thing in my life that seems to not be falling apart at the seams and that is my love life, which is something that has never been together. I have a boyfriend and have had him under my spell for a little over 4 months. I think I'm probably technically under his spell rather than hes under mine. I love him, which is frightening, I've never felt this way about anyone ever and I sure as hell have never told anyone something as intimate as this. Its so scary to lay myself out like this, completely exposed and vulnerable. We fight alot and it breaks my heart but I know that I'm here until the end and I can only hope he's on the same page as me. I think he is and I think we can work through anything as long as we're both honest, empathetic, and held accountable to each other. Which is what I think love is all about anyways.

I want to read The Late Shift which is a non fiction book about the early 90s late night wars between Leno and Letterman. It sounds super interesting. I also want to take on the JFK conspiracies and a few classic fiction novels.

I plan on cleaning my room in the near future. Is it summer yet?

....stay freshh.

WWCSD

MAGGIE IS COMING HOME IN LIKE 4 DAYS AND I GET TO MEET HER BOYFRIEND!!!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

tentative europe sched

saturday august 1st
leave for DC

wednesday august 5th
leave DC for Dublin, Ireland

thursday august 6th
arrive in Dublin, Ireland

sunday august 9th
leave Dublin for London
arrive in London

tuesday august 11th
ferry to Amsterdam

*subject to change*
friday august 14th
leave Amsterdam for Belgium
(no determined city yet, waiting to hear from a friend)

monday august 17th
leave Belgium

tuesday august 18th
arrive in Prague

saturday august 22nd
leave Prague

sunday august 23rd
arrive in Zurich

wednesday august 26th
leave Zurich

thursday august 27th
arrive in Rome

monday august 31st
leave Rome
arrive in Barcelona

friday september 4th
leave Barcelona
arrive in London

sunday september 6th
leave London
arrive in Dublin

monday september 7th
leave Dublin arrive in DC

hip hip!! hooray!!

thomas got a bath today

Thomas being my car (because it sounds like a train engine) and a bath meaning a car wash. And he got vacuumed out and all the trash thrown away, its like a brand new car! Except the coffee stains from my dad and the cigarette burns from my dumb ass. It cost me like 7 bucks to do it all too. How sweet is that?

Well, I'm attempting to be productive today. I still have to go to the library, do my laundry, put my already clean laundry away, and post on blackboard for my modern fiction class. I might go out tonight too. Basically I'm kicking ass and taking names.

I should post what the weather is like when I'm typing one of these bad boys up. Today is in the 60s and sunny. So I'm productive. If it were cloudy and in the 40s it would probably sound like my earlier ones when I had plenty to do and no desire to do any of it. I hate being cold.

So I'm still going to Europe. And I'm still beaming with excitement from my ticket!

Not much to update, seeing as school and work literally takes up majority of my life nowadays. But there is a boy that likes me, or just asks me to hang out alot. Poor kid. He keeps asking and I keep saying no. He's nice and fun and all that but I'm going to Europe. And I'm going to make out with boys in every country I'm in, does he really want a part of that? Well I told him we could hang out today but I have no clue whats going on today so I guess we'll just have to see. He's probably annoyed with me anyways and I can't say I blame him. How many times do I expect him to ask me out after I keep saying no?

I'm going to get off here and do something slightly more productive. I just thought I'd take a second to write down that I am being productive even if for the moment I'm not. Does that make sense? Do I ever make sense? Are you there Maggie? It's me, Colleen. Jane. Whatever.

Stay fresh