o children

I cannot stop listening to this song:


I'm completely obsessed with it and I'm not exactly even sure why. I've been in a bummed mood the past couple of weeks. Which isn't all that surprising since its the end of November and it's getting cold. I'm over this cold weather already. So. Over. It.

I am reading a really awesome book on President Lincoln's Assassination. It's super interesting and surprisingly easy to read.

I hope that I get in a better mood soon. I hope some good karma comes my way. But I guess in order to receive good karma I gotta send out some first. Maybe I'll work on that instead.

Here's to staying fresh.

"It doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get

... or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

I am semi-getting things back together. I have a car (FINALLY!!), I worked out the other day with Calie, I'm cleaning my room hardcore, and I'm budgetting my money like what what. Buuuuut, I don't have like any money so for the next couple of weeks I'm going to be a little tight but I'll get it together, I always do.

and I chopped off my hair, and I look extra sexy.



Stay fresh.

Grayer than where sea meets sky

Early in the morning while the tide was still low
and the sky was so gray, you couldn’t see the sunrise,
I sat on the rock wall and waited for you.

The fog rose with the tide as the sun stretched
in the sky (though she hid behind a blanket of clouds),
My feet swinging off the rock wall as I waited for you.

Ships docked to the bleakest sunset,
I watched the sailors walk to their homes
and on the rock wall I waited for you.

One sailor stopped, he told me…..

Words trip over tongues when they come out of mouths
and eyes look sad as the words pour out-
but I would know if I lost my heart out at sea,
how else would I hear you ask wait for me?

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

that is latin for "who will guard the guards?"

That line was in this Dan Brown book that I read per Jake's suggestion and I liked it a lot. The line, not the book. Though the book was fine. Typical Dan Brown. You read one or two of his books and you can pretty much predict how the book is going to end. More or less, I mean. I didn't know this or that was going to happen but I was like BOOM! That guy, you think he's the bad guy, but really its this one. And I was right. Surprise, surprise.

Anyways, I am just sitting on my bed with my new laptop that I bought with MY money (since you know, everything has just been handed to me all my life). I once again have tons of stuff to do with no real desire to do it. This seems to be a common theme on here. I'm kinda falling back into my dark place again, which is weird because its still super hot outside. Maybe its just a cyclic high and low and just a normal function of life. But my lows are really low. They are bad lows. Worse than I think most people realize. Not like I have the worst life in the world and no one understands me and oh woe is me. But more like people think I'm just in a bad mood or angry or something but it's more complicated than that. I really do try to be in a good mood and bubbly and what not but I sometimes think that I push to the side upset feelings and let them build up until I can't ignore them anymore and I am overrun with negative feelings. That or I'm a crazy person. All is possible in this crazy mixed up world my friends.

So updates! I went to North Carolina and brought Tiffany with me for my annual family vacation down at Sunset Beach. Every year I'm harassed about whether or not I'm going to go and I never do because I don't have money or time or this reason or that. But this year I had both and I assumed since I AM still family that the invitation still layed open. I apparently was mistaken. I should not have gone down at all. That whole trip really shook me up and made me really sad. It just made me feel really isolated and separate. Like I was not good enough. Which listen family, I do a good enough job on my own feeling inadequate, please don't add to it. You will make me a crazy crazy person. We ended up making friends and having fun so all in all, it worked out in the end.

But I really do feel in weird mood. I think Ryan is talking to someone else. I'm not okay with that. I mean I have no right to say anything because Lord knows I've been doing my talking (or lack there of, eh eh!) but I guess the difference is I don't mean anything of it. I'm not going to date any of these guys seriously. I don't care to be alone, what I don't want is to always feel empty. That was a feeling that I thought would go away or at least dull with time, but it hasn't and now I fear it never will. I'm probably just being overdramatic. I am. That's what I do.

What I need is something really good to just work out for me and restore my faith in myself and humanity. Isn't there a quick fix for something like that? No? Well then, I'm fucked. Just kidding. Maybe I need just a game plan, something to work towards. Oh, wait I do!

Colleen's Plans for The Future (uture, uture, uture....)

1.) NOT go back to school. That is, til I can pay for it without any of my dad's help cosigning loans, nothing. I'm tired of having this held over my head like I owe him something. And I'm some ungrateful bitch because I don't shower him with praises, compliments, and bash my mom. Excuse me, do you even know the last guy I dated? You didn't even call on my birthday and last time you did, you yelled at me til I cried. Like any of this really matters, Lord knows you only have one child anyways. One child worth anything to you at least.... this was not the point. Rambling over!

2.) Go to London in July 2011 for HP DH final premiere (YAY! Two of my favorite things, Europe and Harry Potter!!)

3.) Move out. I love my mom and its fine living with her, I just miss living out on my own and having people over.

4.) Get a second job. These are all costly things I want to do, I need some more moneyzz.



Well I got some good things going for me and good things on the horizon. Hopefully, with some hard work and good fortune, things will actually go my way. Here's to hoping!

Stay fresh.

In honor of the 3rd Deathly Hallows Trailer....

"I don't know who he loved, Hermoine, but it was never me. This isn't love, the mess he's left me in."




That almost sounds like it could come from Twilight. Too bad HP is much more awesome.

If I had eyes in the back my head

I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away

If you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you never really be

The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out

Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding,
I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin




I'm moving on to bigger and better things, and certain people would be better off letting me do so please. Because quite honestly, trying after everything that has happened is an exercise in futility and a complete waste of everyone involved's time. You made your decision months ago, I believe the saying is "You've made your bed, now you must lie in it." It's not my fault that you are suddenly realizing what you had. Please, please, stop while you're ahead. I cannot handle any more of your bull shit.

i may or may not be a little drunk...

So I'm drunk.... who cares?? It only makes it super hard on me to type this accurately so what does it matter to you? Eh eh eh??? (I am backspacing alot.... alot alot alot!).

I went to Murphys tonight. It went well. I was super nervous as to what was to happen but Ryan wasn't there so it was okay... I'm not sure what to think though, quite honestly (and I am very honest, almost to a fault). I think I saw him at the end of the night though I'm not sure, I had a couple shots courtesy of the many men that fell in love with Sam, and I had been drinking for some time. I just hope I didn't make things awkward. That's not what I wanted at all. I want rainbows and sunshine and all that happiness crap for everyone, including Ryan. Especially him. He truly is a great guy, apparently just not the guy for me. And I am summoning all the good inside me to wish him true happiness, even if that means it's with someone else.

I'm trying to be a bigger person.

I want him to be happy, although I do kinda wish it was with me. But according to the wise sage Conan O'Brien, 'no one ever gets exactly what they expected'. And I am trying to live accordingly. It's way harder in practice rather than theory, much harder than you'd expect. But I'm trying- that;s gotta count for something right? Right??

I am overcoming, I am rising above. I would quote something from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books but my mom is sleeping and I don't want to wrestle through her books, but the quote is something like... 'She was bad at love. She loved too hard.' (Okay, okay.... I did look it up!) But that's how I feel. I have all this love in me and no where to put it really. I thought I had someone, but I guess I thought wrong. Next time I'll learn not to fall so easily. Next time I'll keep it together. Next time I probably won't fall inlove at all. That was honestly it for me. Oh well, at least I had a taste of love. Some people never even get to know what it's like. I just wish that was enough for me, I wish I didn't need anymore. But I do....

I am overcoming, I am rising above. Tomorrow is a new day with new challenges and new horizons. Maybe one of those will be for me, maybe it will be a break for me. Maybe tomorrow is the start of the rest of my life. I reallly hope it is, I want to see what's in store.

Stay fresh.