o children

I cannot stop listening to this song:


I'm completely obsessed with it and I'm not exactly even sure why. I've been in a bummed mood the past couple of weeks. Which isn't all that surprising since its the end of November and it's getting cold. I'm over this cold weather already. So. Over. It.

I am reading a really awesome book on President Lincoln's Assassination. It's super interesting and surprisingly easy to read.

I hope that I get in a better mood soon. I hope some good karma comes my way. But I guess in order to receive good karma I gotta send out some first. Maybe I'll work on that instead.

Here's to staying fresh.

"It doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get

... or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

I am semi-getting things back together. I have a car (FINALLY!!), I worked out the other day with Calie, I'm cleaning my room hardcore, and I'm budgetting my money like what what. Buuuuut, I don't have like any money so for the next couple of weeks I'm going to be a little tight but I'll get it together, I always do.

and I chopped off my hair, and I look extra sexy.



Stay fresh.

Grayer than where sea meets sky

Early in the morning while the tide was still low
and the sky was so gray, you couldn’t see the sunrise,
I sat on the rock wall and waited for you.

The fog rose with the tide as the sun stretched
in the sky (though she hid behind a blanket of clouds),
My feet swinging off the rock wall as I waited for you.

Ships docked to the bleakest sunset,
I watched the sailors walk to their homes
and on the rock wall I waited for you.

One sailor stopped, he told me…..

Words trip over tongues when they come out of mouths
and eyes look sad as the words pour out-
but I would know if I lost my heart out at sea,
how else would I hear you ask wait for me?

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

that is latin for "who will guard the guards?"

That line was in this Dan Brown book that I read per Jake's suggestion and I liked it a lot. The line, not the book. Though the book was fine. Typical Dan Brown. You read one or two of his books and you can pretty much predict how the book is going to end. More or less, I mean. I didn't know this or that was going to happen but I was like BOOM! That guy, you think he's the bad guy, but really its this one. And I was right. Surprise, surprise.

Anyways, I am just sitting on my bed with my new laptop that I bought with MY money (since you know, everything has just been handed to me all my life). I once again have tons of stuff to do with no real desire to do it. This seems to be a common theme on here. I'm kinda falling back into my dark place again, which is weird because its still super hot outside. Maybe its just a cyclic high and low and just a normal function of life. But my lows are really low. They are bad lows. Worse than I think most people realize. Not like I have the worst life in the world and no one understands me and oh woe is me. But more like people think I'm just in a bad mood or angry or something but it's more complicated than that. I really do try to be in a good mood and bubbly and what not but I sometimes think that I push to the side upset feelings and let them build up until I can't ignore them anymore and I am overrun with negative feelings. That or I'm a crazy person. All is possible in this crazy mixed up world my friends.

So updates! I went to North Carolina and brought Tiffany with me for my annual family vacation down at Sunset Beach. Every year I'm harassed about whether or not I'm going to go and I never do because I don't have money or time or this reason or that. But this year I had both and I assumed since I AM still family that the invitation still layed open. I apparently was mistaken. I should not have gone down at all. That whole trip really shook me up and made me really sad. It just made me feel really isolated and separate. Like I was not good enough. Which listen family, I do a good enough job on my own feeling inadequate, please don't add to it. You will make me a crazy crazy person. We ended up making friends and having fun so all in all, it worked out in the end.

But I really do feel in weird mood. I think Ryan is talking to someone else. I'm not okay with that. I mean I have no right to say anything because Lord knows I've been doing my talking (or lack there of, eh eh!) but I guess the difference is I don't mean anything of it. I'm not going to date any of these guys seriously. I don't care to be alone, what I don't want is to always feel empty. That was a feeling that I thought would go away or at least dull with time, but it hasn't and now I fear it never will. I'm probably just being overdramatic. I am. That's what I do.

What I need is something really good to just work out for me and restore my faith in myself and humanity. Isn't there a quick fix for something like that? No? Well then, I'm fucked. Just kidding. Maybe I need just a game plan, something to work towards. Oh, wait I do!

Colleen's Plans for The Future (uture, uture, uture....)

1.) NOT go back to school. That is, til I can pay for it without any of my dad's help cosigning loans, nothing. I'm tired of having this held over my head like I owe him something. And I'm some ungrateful bitch because I don't shower him with praises, compliments, and bash my mom. Excuse me, do you even know the last guy I dated? You didn't even call on my birthday and last time you did, you yelled at me til I cried. Like any of this really matters, Lord knows you only have one child anyways. One child worth anything to you at least.... this was not the point. Rambling over!

2.) Go to London in July 2011 for HP DH final premiere (YAY! Two of my favorite things, Europe and Harry Potter!!)

3.) Move out. I love my mom and its fine living with her, I just miss living out on my own and having people over.

4.) Get a second job. These are all costly things I want to do, I need some more moneyzz.



Well I got some good things going for me and good things on the horizon. Hopefully, with some hard work and good fortune, things will actually go my way. Here's to hoping!

Stay fresh.

In honor of the 3rd Deathly Hallows Trailer....

"I don't know who he loved, Hermoine, but it was never me. This isn't love, the mess he's left me in."




That almost sounds like it could come from Twilight. Too bad HP is much more awesome.

If I had eyes in the back my head

I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away

If you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you never really be

The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out

Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding,
I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again
I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin




I'm moving on to bigger and better things, and certain people would be better off letting me do so please. Because quite honestly, trying after everything that has happened is an exercise in futility and a complete waste of everyone involved's time. You made your decision months ago, I believe the saying is "You've made your bed, now you must lie in it." It's not my fault that you are suddenly realizing what you had. Please, please, stop while you're ahead. I cannot handle any more of your bull shit.

i may or may not be a little drunk...

So I'm drunk.... who cares?? It only makes it super hard on me to type this accurately so what does it matter to you? Eh eh eh??? (I am backspacing alot.... alot alot alot!).

I went to Murphys tonight. It went well. I was super nervous as to what was to happen but Ryan wasn't there so it was okay... I'm not sure what to think though, quite honestly (and I am very honest, almost to a fault). I think I saw him at the end of the night though I'm not sure, I had a couple shots courtesy of the many men that fell in love with Sam, and I had been drinking for some time. I just hope I didn't make things awkward. That's not what I wanted at all. I want rainbows and sunshine and all that happiness crap for everyone, including Ryan. Especially him. He truly is a great guy, apparently just not the guy for me. And I am summoning all the good inside me to wish him true happiness, even if that means it's with someone else.

I'm trying to be a bigger person.

I want him to be happy, although I do kinda wish it was with me. But according to the wise sage Conan O'Brien, 'no one ever gets exactly what they expected'. And I am trying to live accordingly. It's way harder in practice rather than theory, much harder than you'd expect. But I'm trying- that;s gotta count for something right? Right??

I am overcoming, I am rising above. I would quote something from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books but my mom is sleeping and I don't want to wrestle through her books, but the quote is something like... 'She was bad at love. She loved too hard.' (Okay, okay.... I did look it up!) But that's how I feel. I have all this love in me and no where to put it really. I thought I had someone, but I guess I thought wrong. Next time I'll learn not to fall so easily. Next time I'll keep it together. Next time I probably won't fall inlove at all. That was honestly it for me. Oh well, at least I had a taste of love. Some people never even get to know what it's like. I just wish that was enough for me, I wish I didn't need anymore. But I do....

I am overcoming, I am rising above. Tomorrow is a new day with new challenges and new horizons. Maybe one of those will be for me, maybe it will be a break for me. Maybe tomorrow is the start of the rest of my life. I reallly hope it is, I want to see what's in store.

Stay fresh.

fear and loathing...

That's the book I am currently reading. Now that I am dumped I am reading more, or rather I'm reading as much as I used to before a boy consumed my life. Well, it's not so much as he consumed it as I didn't have as much free time as I do now. I have tons of it. So I've been reading. And watching alot of TV shows on DVD, like Scrubs and Seinfeld. I'm just doing really anything to keep myself busy so I don't think about the last few weeks. I'm doing better, I still have sad days and sad parts of days and apparently when I get drunk I'm super crazy, crying and laughing and then crying again. And according to some of my friends, I drink too much.

But what is too much? I mean, it's all relative. Too much to some of my friends is not enough for me. I've just been in a funk and I'm trying to get out of it. I've decided not to be cynical and to try to maintain an upbeat outlook, which is really hard for me since, oh I don't know, the man that I loved and told me that he loved me too and that we were soulmates and that he wanted to marry me changed his mind in four short days then dumped me over the phone. Okay clearly I'm not over it and I am a little bitter. Hey, I'm human! I'm trying not to be, I'm trying to find the silver fucking lining. I tell myself if we are really soulmates we'll end up together anyways and if we're not that means that there is someone out there even better for me, who will fight for me. I don't know if that helps though. It took me 22 years to find someone who I could finally love, I just worry what if it takes another 22 years for me to find someone else. I mean that's half of my life (assuming I live to like 80 or 90). And what if the next guy I love who I meet when I'm like 45, what if we only date for 6 months? Seriously?? And by then I won't be able to have children, so I'm going to be 45 years old whose longest relationship was 6 months and I've never been married and I'm barren.

Okay, okay... so I'm spinning out of control and who knows what the future may hold? I don't need to freak out that I'm going to be an old maid, it's all so far away. I need to live in the here and the now. Embrace my youth, live it up, go crazy. But I'm probably just going to stick my nose in my books and leave it there for awhile. I'd just rather forget my life and live in someone else's for a bit.

Another beer for me, please.

Well, my absolute worst fear has been realized. How am I dealing? Okay. I'm fine. Not really, at all, I feel more like devastated but it's been made terribly clear to me that there is nothing I can do to change anything. I cannot make him.... just nothing can be done. If you were to say forever, I would expect that you meant it. I meant it. Forehead kisses are forever, I thought I made that crystal clear but I guess it just didn't matter what I said. I'm just left here reminded by all those empty promises, tainted with the ones I planned the rest of my life on keeping, and just left alone. I thought I found the person who would never leave me alone, my soulmate, but I was foolishly mistaken. How duped was I? How could I ever think.... I was wrong. I loved so fully, I never imagined being so in love with someone and giving myself to someone so completely, and now I am empty. With time things will get better, or so I've heard. But I'm in love forever. I guess I'm just going to learn to love someone from afar who doesn't love me back. And right now, I feel awful. I don't want to get up or even just be alive. I wish I never met him and I wish I never felt this way ever ever ever. Time heals the heart.... but until then, I'm going to have another beer and maybe even another, until I forget my name and then I won't feel so bad. At least for right now. Tomorrow, yeah maybe tomorrow, will be better. Probably not but I can always hope.

i'm feeling a little crazy today

My mom's laptop's battery is about to die so this may be short. So I'm sitting here at my house, alone. My mom's back to working nights, Morgan and Tiffany were supposed to come over but they both bailed (at least Morgan told me she wasn't going to come over whereas Tiffany just never answered me) and Ryan won't call me back or answer my texts. I feel like dying with this sick, knotted feeling in my stomache. I'm just so tired of my life being in shambles. I know there's alot I can fix and that I haven't and that is on me. But the other stuff, the stuff with the people I care about not being here or not caring or at least not acting like they care, it makes me sick. Everyone should know by now that I can be an emotional wreck. I am an emotional wreck. Whatever I do is not enough and I am not good enough for me, for my family, for any one that I care about. I know this. I'm just tired of being reminded that every day. I want someone to tell me to have a good day in the morning or care that I was stuck behind some slow old man on the way to work so I was 3 minutes late. I want someone to care without me asking them to care. I want flowers on a random Tuesday, even if they were picked out of the ground. I want courtesy calls saying you're not coming over and just plain old fashioned honesty. I want to be needed and missed. I want to know that when I'm not there, you still need me. I want someone to do something completely for me for once. I want... too many things, and I don't deserve any of them. I get what I deserve. I don't deserve courtesy, respect, or honesty. I don't definately don't deserve special treatment or to be loved at all. I deserve nothing at all. I'm sorry this is so angsty to whoever is reading this, but after these past couple weeks I am just emotionally exhausted. No matter what happens I am the bad guy. I don't know how exactly but I know that somehow I am always feeling guilty and gravelling for attention. I am pathetic and lonely and pathetic. Did I mention pathetic? This whole entry is pathetic. I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Way overdue

So I messed up. Part of the reason I originally made this blog was to write as I traveled across Europe. I did however write in a journal so there is that written record but this one went on unused. That is not the point, the point is I haven't written in here in like 8 months so I'm going to try to write more.

Europe was life changing which totally sounds hokey but it was. I have these great friends all over the world and a different perspective on things I had never thought twice about, if that makes any sense.

So as usual, things in my life are falling apart. Before I left for Europe I totalled my car (side note: not my fault) and I'm still not back in school. I'm back to work at Penneys yet again where i get like 10 hours a week and I can't pay all my bills and my student loans. I need to step it up, I need to change. I seem to make a list of things I need to do and I always do them but still the list continues to get longer and longer with no end in sight. Its just really discouraging.

There is one thing in my life that seems to not be falling apart at the seams and that is my love life, which is something that has never been together. I have a boyfriend and have had him under my spell for a little over 4 months. I think I'm probably technically under his spell rather than hes under mine. I love him, which is frightening, I've never felt this way about anyone ever and I sure as hell have never told anyone something as intimate as this. Its so scary to lay myself out like this, completely exposed and vulnerable. We fight alot and it breaks my heart but I know that I'm here until the end and I can only hope he's on the same page as me. I think he is and I think we can work through anything as long as we're both honest, empathetic, and held accountable to each other. Which is what I think love is all about anyways.

I want to read The Late Shift which is a non fiction book about the early 90s late night wars between Leno and Letterman. It sounds super interesting. I also want to take on the JFK conspiracies and a few classic fiction novels.

I plan on cleaning my room in the near future. Is it summer yet?

....stay freshh.